It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write this...as this is the update I have been dreading. The last regarding my sweet Busters condition. Be warned, it might rip your heart out. Not long after my last post, I had gone back to see Buster. When I first went back and he heard my voice, his little butt wiggled so fast. Always made my heart smile. I use to purposely use this high pitched voice that he loved just to get it to wiggle. He was happy with his whole body not just his little cotton ball tail. I knelt down beside his cage and gave him a good scratch. I popped open his chicken - he took a sniff but wasnt interested. Same with the peanut butter. This wasnt a great sign. He was still seemingly uncomfortable so I pulled out his little pillow to try to help him rest. You could tell that he just wanted to sleep. Being a bulldog with an upper respiratory infection makes it a little troublesome to rest your face. Finally, with a little reassurance, he was able to lay down comfortably. Thinking he needed his rest, we were getting ready to leave as it was just after midnight, but something was telling me to stay. I just didnt feel ready to leave him. He suddenly sat up - I could tell by the way he was licking the air that he was going to be sick. I knew that he was sick he night before but I was hoping it was just an after effect of the pain meds. I kept moving the peepee pad around to catch it and not mess up his comforter. Like before, anytime he was going to be sick, I said youre okay this Meester and easy so he wouldnt get himself worked up. He readjusted his position, looked at me with wide-eyes, laid down and vomited. At first it was just a little, all over his pillow. I turned to the tech to tell her he was getting sick...before I could turn back, he had vomited again. This time, it was literally about a gallon of thick green bile. Then he collapsed. The tech came rushing over, holding his head down so he wouldnt choke but I could see his body wasnt moving. She called out for the vet - when he came rushing over the scooped him out of his cage to get him on the table. His tongue was hanging out of his mouth, his body still. His IVs started to fill with blood and his bladder fully released all over the place. Thats when I turned to my husband and whispered a fearful whisper, hes dying. I could hear the vet asking for oxygen in a panicked voice so I knew he was being intubated....thats when we were asked to leave the ICU. We sat waiting for 20 minutes before the vet came out. He had told us that Buster was unconscious and unresponsive to the injections which should have jump started his heart. They were continuing to do CPR and provide oxygen so he wanted to quickly do an xray to possibly understand what was happening in hopes of reviving him. I am not sure how long we waited for him to come back as it seemed like forever. When he did, the look on his face told me everything I needed to know. We were brought back to Buster...there he was, on the table with oxygen being fed to him and the vet literally pumping with every ounce of himself to keep him alive. I watched the heart monitor jump with each compression...I watched the air bag fill and deflate. All the while, I never took my hands off my sweet Busters face. I kissed him 100xs and told him that I loved him. That I was sorry that I wasnt able to save him. When the vet asked the tech for a pulse, he had no detectable femoral pulse. It was then that I looked at him and asked him to stop the compressions...to let my sweet boy rest. I watched the bag deflate and the monitor go flat...just like that, the heart I loved more than life stopped beating. Words could never describe the pain that ripped through me. My sweet Buster knew that I would never make the choice, so he made it for me. I stayed with Buster for a good 20 minutes after he went to sleep. I took the wrap holding the oxygen tube in down off his face, cleaned his nose and eyes. Down to the last minute, I wanted him to feel nothing but love. Ive always given 200% to him and I wouldnt stop now. The vet said that he wouldnt have known or felt anything after collapsing so I am comforted to know that he didnt suffer. As much as it breaks my heart into a million pieces, I am so glad that I was there with him until literally his last breath. Had I left, they may have found him dead in his cage, covered in his own vomit. After leaving the ICU, it didnt feel right going home. We sat on the curb for quite some time, trying to understand what had just happened. The vet came out to speak with us and I just hugged him. I know that he tried with all his might to help Buster live. He told me that in his life hes not sure he will ever see a love like he saw with me and Buster. The true love, loyalty and sheer dedication. He said I loved him enough for a billion animals and Ive forced him to set a new standard inside himself. He admitted that he was so glad I was there as he has been worried about how he would ever find the words to tell me if something happened overnight. He genuinely was truly sorry. I will never be able to express my gratitude towards him...or towards all of you who showed such love towards Buster. To all of you who understand that Buster wasnt just a dog. My heart is forever in debt to each of you. To My dear sweet Meester...I am so sorry that despite all of my efforts, I could not save you. Please believe that short of giving you my own heart, I tried everything. You were such a fighter and I am so proud of you for trying so hard. You have taught me what infinite, unconditional love is. I will forever be grateful for the life and love we shared. You were so much more than a dog, you were mine. You were the sunshine in every one of my days...the thing I looked forward to most of all. Nothing made me happier than turning that key and seeing your little face running towards me...waking up to you in my face, snuggling up with you every single night. The void you left will never be filled and I will miss you forever. Buster boy, you were the greatest companion any human soul could ever ask for. Thank you for making me a better person. I love you more than anything. Please come visit me soon.
Posted on: Mon, 30 Jun 2014 00:53:06 +0000
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