It still doesnt seem real at times. Hes absolutely perfect and everything I ever imagined. Theres so much to celebrate with this new life in our lives, but were also grieving. With Silass first birthday only 11 days away, I find myself extremely conflicted at times. Just as conflicted as I am, Im even more so relieved for two very specific reasons. One being that throughout my pregnancy Lee mentioned a concern that he had about whether or not I would love Asher as much as I love Silas. Each time he brought it up, I very defensively became outraged. Only because deep down, I had been burying the same concern. I am here to tell you that 1,000 lbs were lifted off my heart, soul and mind as I laid awake anxiously awaiting to see how I would feel when he was born. As he came in to this world crying the nurse by my head looked down and said I hope those are tears of joy. I replied You dont even know the half of it. It was then that I knew there was no way I could love Asher any less. Never in a thousand years. My second concern shows just how mind blowing and complicated grief can be. Just as I worried that I could possibly favor my deceased child over my living one, I worried Asher would be such a predominant part of my life that Silas would become a distant memory. With his memory being the only thing left of him I have, this was a devastating thought. Im also here to tell you that Silas comes up regularly in conversation with Asher. When we talk about Silas, hes now referred to as Silas, your big little brother. It dawned on me just now that maybe Gods plan for Asher spending 6 nights in the hospital was possibly to make Silass story a little easier to explain and a touch more relatable. At least thats what Im taking from it. Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parents heart bared, beating forever outside its chest. Debra Ginsberg Loving my children is painful. I love and miss Silas so much, it hurts and its never going to stop. The pain will ease at times but itll never go away as long as Im alive. I look at Asher and I know that loving him will hurt at times too, just in a different way. I have an abundance of gratitude for each and every one you who still read my posts. Youll never know how much I appreciate it.
Posted on: Wed, 08 Oct 2014 00:51:01 +0000
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