It was just a matter of time… I’ve been sitting on this for a few days; not because I doubted it, but because I understand that, from an exterior perspective, it could seem doubtful – and there have been a few false dawns over the past few months, and, indeed, the past couple of years. As I mentioned in a previous post, I sent out some reconciliatory emails to my brother and sister (and also to the three exes who goaded me not long after my brother, Paul, died) a few days before Christmas, and I was so disappointed that there was no reply by Christmas morning. The good will of the festive period was lost on them, and it hurt. However, as the day progressed, clarity returned… a clarity that was lost in the fog of grief I’ve been stumbling through. These people, who I once thought loved me, literally left me for dead. When I took an overdose in August, my sister and currently eldest brother’s response was to spirit my other brother, in Carlisle (who I shared a house with), away for a few days, to stay in Shrewsbury. Essentially, they left me alone to finish the job. My ‘wife’ of less than three months ejected me from her life less than a week after Paul’s funeral. She saw my grief and judged I was making myself a ‘victim’. All three exes who appeared in the photos I was sent (they met up in London and recorded their congealment, with smug smiles and middle fingers raised) fell in love with me for my potential – they all loved my writing – but I didn’t transform my potential into cash fast enough for them. My sister was the only person who could have put those three in touch. In her own grief of losing our brother, so relatively close to losing our Mum, she plotted with them to hurt me more, when I was already in so much pain I was breaking. So… on the evening of Christmas Day… I began to reset, to reawaken, and thought of these people who had left my life, and I thought: “Good.” Not an angry, bitter ‘Good’, but a ‘Good’ with a smile… with peace… I’m glad they didn’t get back in touch with me. I’m thankful that they hold so tight their loathing of me, because it has allowed me to let go, at last. This, in turn, helped me to see my grief… and although, of course, I will always miss my Mum and brother (and, equally, my kitty, Scratchy) I can remember them with fond smiles and deep love, rather than always through the filter of seemingly bottomless sorrow. Life goes on. It’s five months since my marriage ended. If she’d tolerated my ‘weakness’ and kept me close, perhaps I would have wasted the rest of my life loving her. The irony is… regarding these family members (including my Dad) and the exes… that they all believed in my potential, but none of them had the love or patience to see me realise it. Now… this man I’ve become… has been tempered in the fires of the living hell they abandoned me to, and I’m thankful to them, because I am so much stronger than I ever though I could be. My potential is potent and about to be released, for the benefit to all of us. It was just a matter of time.
Posted on: Sun, 28 Dec 2014 19:14:53 +0000
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