Its a beautiful day to sit by an open window and crack open a book! As I do just that this afternoon, I get caught up in the sounds of blaring firetruck and ambulance sirens flying down my street. Almost four months since the accident, and it still gets me. I routinely go through a mental list of Who do I love, where are they at right now, could that be for them? It would be a bold faced lie to say I am completely ridden of that fear and paranoia - feelings that existed long before the accident, but intensified to an unimaginable degree afterwards. However, this day I find myself able to have another perspective about the phenomena. Simply put: What use would it be for me to react to this with any sort of urgency? Calling his cell phone, as I had done countlessly once I noticed his irregular tardiness to the play practice he was headed to, did nothing to comfort me. I started calling him because the view of the accident got me worrying about the one I loved most and the so common What if thats him behind those sirens? Jesses accident took place at 3:30pm. A proper identification of him and his state wasnt made until 4:20pm, but I didnt get that horrific phone call until 5:20 and sit down with the officials to get the news broken to me in person until almost 6pm. I had actually driven by the scene shortly before 5. Saw the mess of emergency response workers, without any idea it was my other half being carried away from the scene. Contrary to what some people think happens, I did not have some supernatural feeling of loss at all prior to the Sheriffs phone number showing up on my cells screen. I used to beat myself up about it - shouldnt I have known? Shouldnt my spirit have felt the disconnect, the loss, the struggle or pain he may have gone through? What sorry excuse of a wife cannot know in her spirit when that happens? But - what could I have done? What was there to fret about? Does the exact moment, the specific timeline of events, truly matter? And really, who would truly want to rush the news of their lovers death? The facts are that he found himself facing death, and our God was there standing right beside him. He wasnt alone, he was not helpless, and he was not without hope. If there was pain, it was brief and he was one tough sucker anyways. He only had to endure it for a short time before he received the best peace, love and serenity in existence. There was nothing I could have done for him, whether I knew in my spirit at the exact moment of his passing or if I had recognized his car when I drove past the scene. Now I can see that fear and paranoia for what they really are - a mistrust of God. While recognizing that it is wonderfully human to love and care for our loved ones, and to feel anxiety about thoughts of them leaving us, I also see that those human reactions need to be overcome by the supernatural ability to trust our Creator with His creation. Those whom we love belong to Him, and the painful reality is that He will take care of them better than any of us here are able to. They are not ours to keep, and certainly not to covet. I can still hear the sirens going on. It sounds like there really is trouble somewhere near, and I am praying that every single one of those ambulances return to their stations without any hint of a fatal wound in sight. Believe the sincerity in my words when I say that I am praying and hoping for no widows or orphans to be made today. But, at least in this moment I can sit back at rest instead of instinctively rushing to my phone and trying to call my top five loved ones living within the area. God has them. If theres news, it will come when it does. Life, right now in this moment, is still peaceful.
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 23:27:49 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015