Its been a while since I posted anything personal, so I thought Id give folks that may be interested, an update on how life is going. Physically, Im feeling pretty good but woefully unmotivated to do anything too physical. By the end of the workday, I just want to flop on my couch and listen to Jackie talk about how her classes are going. She seems much more comfortable at school this semester and is doing so well, Im a little worried shell strike out on her own after graduation because Ive become such a boat anchor in her life ☺️. My favorite days are when were just watching something funny on TV, like Modern Family. Listening to her laugh is my elixir - no one can be sad or mad when Jackie smiles and laughs. Its just science. In fact, when Im posting my usual nonsensical status updates, the first thing I think of is will this make Jackie laugh? Jackie and I have talked about why my personality seems to have changed so much since I was diagnosed. Part of it is the hormone treatment and what its doing to my head, and the fact that I now can see an end to my story. But, after a lot of thought, I realized the reason I am now the way I am is because that am so afraid Ill be easily forgotten by most when Im gone. Id always been content to quietly stand in the background, happy to let others get all of the attention. Im still socially awkward and often painfully inappropriate, but at least Im now being true to who I am. Immature, sarcastic, sometimes thoughtful, but always grateful for my family and friends. Im still uneasy in groups of strangers, but on Facebook I can pretend Im the fun guy and the life of the party. Facebook - and you folks - have been such a godsend for my confidence and a much needed distraction from the stresses of everyday life; stresses that feel like they take such a toll on me mentally and physically everyday. At work, I just signed a letter of intent with ATG to become a full-time employee rather than the external consultant Ive been for the last 5-6 months. Im very excited to formally join the team. I am also working on three external projects as an independent contractor - data mining for a law firm in a civil case, creating a presentation for an important industry conference for an exciting new-ish company, and doing a complete business analysis for an established companys mature online channel. I may have bitten off more than I can chew. I have been asked to play on four softball teams this summer - my mens Taco Johns team that Ive played with for the last decade, a mens 45-plus team, a work co-rec team, and a church co-rec team. I should be well-rested by the time the season starts, though Im considering switching to using the elevator to get to my second floor apartment to make sure Im in the worst possible condition when the season starts. All-in-all, things are going pretty well, though I do rue the fact that I feel Im losing touch with many of my friends here in Missoula. Weve all moved on to other jobs or other locations and the kinship we shared feels like its fading. Everyone gets involved in their new lives and it becomes difficult to make the time. Im probably the most guilty. I wish I could turn the clock back five or 10 or 30 years - Id make sure that I did everything possible to keep the people that were important in my life then, still in my life today. I wish Id have realized how much I need them now. Thats my biggest regret.
Posted on: Sat, 05 Apr 2014 15:35:05 +0000
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