Its been a year since I wrote this, and Im positive my feelings are all the same. No, I dont have to reread it to tell you where I was then or where I am now. Im sure its so full of typos and rotten emotion that Im afraid to read it again. Ive gone two years now and theres always the feeling of grief and anger. Recently though, the feeling of being unnecessary is big. When I think about my daddys last moments (which is often and not just on this day) I think, why couldnt I have been enough for him to stay alive, and then I think maybe he didnt think of me in that moment...both of these thoughts are depressing because either he thought of me and I wasnt enough or he didnt think of me...which means I simply wasnt. Today, a realization came to me when I was silently feeling sorry for myself, its not about me being unnecessary. It was my dads feeling of being unnecessary to everyone else. He was unnecessary in a marriage that saw trouble throughout 21 years and didnt last. He was unnecessary in the two relationships later. And that last relationship was so unhealthy that all the drinking and smoking and ugly way he lived became a burden. He had become so bitter and angry the last year of his life that he pushed all his kids away and when it came down to it Im sure that feeling of being unnecessary was strong. The last conversation I had with him was brief. It was quick, like most of ours had been in the end. The woman he had been dating put a strong wedge between us and even though we both loved each other very much, it was hard to break into the old goofiness that we used to share. So in that last moment of his, whether he thought of me or not, Im positive he didnt feel as if HE were important enough for us. People. Look around you, love on your families and friends. Let them know they are important. Let them know they are loved. Let them know they are necessary. Even if you lose someone this way, you will know that you tried and that you did all you could for them. I will always wish I had done more for him.
Posted on: Sun, 28 Dec 2014 20:24:46 +0000
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