Its been almost 2years plus since you died and every day it feels like I get farther and farther away from who I was when I was with you. I used to be confident not only in myself but in my self esteem. I used to smile at pretty much everything and you could make me laugh like no one else can (or has been able to since.) The day you died I was stricken with a horrible migraine. I didn’t know at that time you were dead and I texted you to find out if you were okay. I should’ve known you weren’t because you always texted me back, even though we were at odds during that time. You got scared because of how you felt and I understood that and stepped back. I don’t think you really understood how hard that was for me and I was angry with you for days. I was angry with you when you died. The night before I found out (which was two days after the accident), I was throwing a soccer ball with my colleagues and I was pretending I was hitting you. I didn’t feel any better because I kept having the sinking feeling something was wrong only I didn’t know what it was and you wouldn’t text me back. I couldn’t understand why you didn’t text me back. I wen to your Facebook page via my little piece of crap phone that has since died. I looked on your page to go message you and I see all these people talking about how wonderful and great you were and how they’re going to miss you. It took a few moments for it to sink in that you were gone. The first thing I did was throw my phone and silently cry. I wanted to scream and punch something but I couldn’t move. I woke up our son Jay on that night while both of us cried cos my wife, mentor, my lady, my friend and my mother was no more. I felt like someone had ripped me to pieces and none of it made sense. You couldn’t be gone. You were only 25 years old. You had so much you wanted to do, there was so much you were already doing. There were too many words left unsaid. I didn’t even get to say good bye to you. I’ve been trying every day to say goodbye. I think of you often throughout the day and I wonder, always, what would have happened if you were still here. I think we would’ve made it because we were both too stubborn not to. I wish I could see your smile again, hold you hand or kiss you. Just be in your presence and tell you the things I didn’t get the chance to say when you were here. So I’ll do my best to say them now. I love you. I loved you the moment I saw you come down the escalator. I loved you when you took my hand the first time just to have that connection. I loved you when you told me to trust you, that you wouldn’t drop me when I jumped out of the tree I was stuck in. I loved you when you caught me and promised me you’d always be there to catch me when I fall. I loved you when you gave birth to our only son Jay. I loved you when I kissed you on our boat ride for our first kiss. You are the most beautiful soul I’ve ever known or ever will know. You had my heart completely, you touched my soul in a way no one else ever has or will. You gave me a reason to hope and love and wake up every morning knowing it was going to be okay. You took my nightmares away; a hard thing to do. They’ve come back but I’m dealing. I was scared,too. I was scared because there was/is no one else like you and you got under my defenses and broke down my walls. No one had cared enough to do that before and after you died, I’ve put them all back up with extra barbed wire. I still feel you near me sometimes. I still feel your hand in mine or your arms around me at night. Maybe I’m going crazy or maybe I’m too stubborn to hope for anything less. I love you, Amina of Tunisia. I love you in ways I can’t love anyone else. And I don’t want to have anyone else the way I had you. I’m doing my best to make you proud but I keep falling harder and most of the time I don’t want to get back up. People tell me I should be over you by now, that its been more than a year and I should let you go. But I can’t. And I won’t. your face in my dreams keep my faith stronger than before So this is me, taking the steps that I can to heal. I know I won’t ever fully heal and I honestly don’t think I should. As you told me in a dream to replace you. I will do all my best to have another wife but have this in your mind non will like you, reasons the way you did, kiss me on the air when am out for months, tell me the truth and plays our game . I miss you, my love. Always & Forever, Your faithful Husband. David
Posted on: Fri, 27 Sep 2013 22:40:10 +0000
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