Its come to my attention that I owe a bit of an explaination. To everyone who has known me personally, and extensively. To my aquaintences, who know me only by what other people have told you, you may stop reading. Im a strange person. In my own individual way. I change on a daily basis, it could be something that Ive noticed about myself, that I dont like or do like. So.maybe I remove it from my persona, or emphasize it. The longer I spend with someone and the more I like them, the more of their little quirks I pick up on and start to subconsciously do myself. Its unintentional. But I find it helps people relax around me, when they can find subtle similarities that we share. A laugh, a certain posture, random noises, etc. I find myself quite adaptable, and sometimes these things conflict. Also, whenever I make a mistake, I immediately let it go. I tell myself Ill do better next time. And I do. Or try. But this also lets me run through what happened, during my mistake, repeatedly over and over in my mind. Quite clearly. Seeing each little thing that led up to it. When other people are involved, I notice what they have done wrong and I say it. This causes people to.think that I am always blaming everyone but myself. In case anyone has never noticed, I say my bad all the time and apologise when it is needed. I think that most people dont register that Ive said these things. And thus they assume that I never take my blame. I was raised, quite severely and punished quite severely if I didnt, to take responsibility for everything. Whether it was my fault or not. Often it was not and I eventually got sick.of hearing how eveything was my fault. So I learned to attone quietly for my mistakes and always look out for my every little mistake. This led to some severe self judgement and I eventually became anti social. Which is bad because Im naturally an extremely social person. I deal.with alot of things that a lot of people dont realize. It is just my personality to never show it. Which is a reason why I dont drink much. To the people who.have seen me have a mental breakdown after getting wasted, theyll understand. Lately Ive been having a huge problem with trust. Ive been hit really hard with a ton of severe loss, almost one after the other for two years. The most recent being my ex-best friend and my last two exes, as well as a close friend from my childhood passing away. After so much stress, I dont snap like a normal.person. It barely shows. Other than my temper being a bit shorter. When I snap it is extremely internal. And I eventually decide that something MUST change. Right here. Right now. So I change somethign. I find what is wrong. The biggest wrong I have and I eliminate it. Not physically, but mentally. I just let something huge go. A grudge. Against myself. Something.I couldnt fix. The thing that bothered me most. And let it go. Now, going back a bit, when I adapt. When I pick up on certain things others do, and when I change something big about myself, sometimes I get a bad mixture. I tend to be a real asshole. And lately, by being antisocial, and reclusive, and angry, Ive been a real asshole. Ive been ignoring my friends. Pushing them away. Naturally, Im a very warm person. Extremely loyal. Really symbollic. Very sensitive. And I have always had that anger to play as my guard dog. Ive always had that little bit of asshole/douchebag to protect me.and my friends. But I guess lately Ive been dropping the leash. I need to apologise to my friends. Believe me when I say I have always had your best interests at heart. But lately I havent been showing it. Ive been so focused on fixing myself that I gave you all the short end of the stick. So to my wifey. Im sorry Ive been ignoring you. To my most recent ex. Im.sorry I wasnt better. And to Crystal who just blocked me, Im sorry I didnt let you.be my friend.
Posted on: Wed, 14 May 2014 00:18:03 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015