Its strange how things work. When Milt first died I had a lot of friends who told me to hold on to the memories...be grateful for the memories...let the memories sustain you...etc. blah, blah, blah. The thing is that thinking about them hurt too damn much...it was as though remembering was just another torturous way to remind myself that he was gone and that I was never going to have him back. Remembering was a painful reminder I was alone. So I didnt. Im very good at compartmentalizing. I shoved most of the memories into a little mental file cabinet and locked them up. Occasionally one leaked out and if it was just one I could sometimes be ok with it but Id usually end up a little melancholy at best or crying in a corner at worst. June 6th marked one year since he died. Things do improve with time. We habituate to what we must. Friends and new experiences make it even better. Last weekend in my hometown of Tiffin, Ohio was the first time in 42 years that Id seen most of the folks there. I lived up to my ex-husbands description of me as the mad hugger LOL...and I remembered. Old memories of friends from high school, silly things we did...silly things others did! It was WONDERFUL...and apparently it has started a trend. This week has been full of memories....its as though the lock is broken on that mental filing cabinet and they are pouring out. And they are making me laugh...and smile...and grin and shake my head and roll my eyes and laugh some more. Its rained a lot this week and I keep thinking about how hed come up behind me, put his arms around me and say...only two things to do when it rains... Then hed wiggle his eyebrows and say, ...and I dont want to play cards! I love that memory! Im grateful for it....it doesnt hurt to hold on to it anymore. Maybe it just takes time...or old friends, lots of laughter and maybe a little Jack Daniels :O........but, eventually, the memories do sustain you. I am grateful.
Posted on: Sat, 19 Jul 2014 11:06:31 +0000
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