It’s interesting… I am walking a funky fine line. I don’t want to “fakebook” and act like everything is happy, because it’s very much not. But I don’t want to over-disclose. And I dont want always be negative either, because that would also not be authentic. Trying to determine what to post (and when) and what to keep to myself…sometimes I do well and sometimes not. So it goes. In all seriousness, fear of inappropriately crossing that line is part of what kept me very much to myself as a child. I’ve been told that you can’t use Facebook to replace live connection, and in some ways, that is definitely true. While connecting with real, live people is definitely more satisfying, most of the people here reading this are not geographically positioned for me to connect with in person. (And frankly, how many local FB friends do I have who dont actually *want* to hang out? Quite a few. Thats fine.) A few I talk to on the phone, but I have a fair amount of phone phobia that does make it difficult to call. I do have live connections with people and am certainly not looking to replace those with Facebook. What the naysayers don’t know is that I have found a lot of common ground with people through some of my more painful posts. Posts that I have been verbally (well, in print) reprimanded for making. Posts that I’m sure made a few others shake their heads. I have gotten messages and texts and emails from people who share my experience, in whatever my pain is at that time. I share pieces of the same path with people and didn’t know it. I have deepened friendships as a result of conversations that were born in some of these things I have posted. Is it my new favorite way to interact with people—post it and hope to hear from people? Certainly not. But quite a few of the private connections I’ve made in the last few weeks have been a bit of a surprise, in one way or another, and have all been very positive. Can’t complain about that. So I’m not going to go into detail about shit that’s going on in status updates because that’s over the line. But sometimes being sad in public is OK. There is so much shame and isolation in sadness and depression. Those feelings can be isolating enough on their own. But if we can’t talk about them publicly, then how can we ever know that we’re not alone in them? There are so many ways that we silently suffer, and I think our suffering would be reduced (not eliminated, for sure) if we could talk without fear. I kind of equate my depression now with my bald head when I was in chemo. It existed. It was part of me. There was more to the experience than you could see, but it was tangible. (My head was more tangible to others than my depression is, but still. Work with me.) I refuse to cover it up to make myself look like something I’m not, and I refuse to cover it up to avoid making other people uncomfortable. (This doesnt mean Im always moping around—just giving myself permission to be what I am in the moment, as the moment permits.) And if it makes you uncomfortable and you decide you don’t want to stick around, you won’t be the first and you won’t be the last. And I will mourn the loss of another friend, and I will pick myself up and keep moving because that’s all I can do. Ultimately, I know that I am a pretty neat person. I have an interesting story/history/path. I am fun to be around (depending on what you like to do for fun, I suppose). I am kind and thoughtful. Not always as much as I’d like, but I’m getting better. I love to talk and I love to listen. But it’s not my job to convince you of any of that. You can see it or not; you can value it or not. Thats just how relationships are. And sometimes, because I am human, I am not at all fun to be around. That’s just how life goes. And when I’m in those places, instead of retreating into myself as some people do, I reach out. Sometimes with good results, sometimes not. But it is me, and it is completely authentic. WYSIWYG. And now, I am rambling and shall stop. You can like or comment or not. You can message or email or text or call or not. I’m not putting this here to get feedback. It’s just here to tell you how it is. And no, today was definitely not good day in a row #3. But there remains the possibility that the count can start over tomorrow.
Posted on: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 02:27:30 +0000
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