Ive been fighting one mosterous bout of depression and flashbackery these past few days. Ive been stuck in one of my dont-touch-me phases for longer than I can really say. Its not because Ive been sick, or having hell sleeping because I have to sit upright from my throat, though that hasnt helped. I think I know that my social security hearing will be soon. I am terrified of facing a judge again soon, although Ive got to do it. I am also afraid itll be another no. And yet, also afraid that, since Ive not heard from lawyer, it got forgotten again. Also, I fear something Ill do will ruin everything thats good in my life somehow. Some of my dreams have really sucked on this. Trying to hold it together is pretty exhausting when Im in that level of anxiety. I need to feel some sense of self-power right now. Otherwise I just feel like Im floating here powerlessly. I need to return to the gym too. When our car died last night, it sent me into several bouts of terror... the whooshing of other cars on the freeway, each of which could potentially hit us while we sat there. The idea there was no more car and that this could be a financial disaster that pushes everything over a tipping point. Ray comforts me. Im so glad he does, but I cant cuddle with him at night because laying flat sends me into crazed coughing fits. Ugg. Nothing fun about that. I just rambled. I need bed. Nite people.
Posted on: Mon, 17 Mar 2014 08:22:35 +0000
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