Ive been going through a lot in the last while, a lot of strange realizations and a lot of peaceful ends to things that I have been troubled with for many years. A lot of past laid to rest in a way that I could not be more content with making way for a new future. But just as any soldier leaves the war, they slowly realize how much those battles have changed the individual and you see that you are so far from who you are that you dont know where to even begin. You are used to a patterned life with habits that you do in order to survive and function in the best way possible. When theres no more to be fighting for, your left with this strange emptiness with the question, who am I, for real? For myself, I havent been me for as long as I can remember far into my childhood. There were so many things in life that were against me that I just never really had the chance to embrace me or get to know me as much as I could have. I have spent most of my life having to be beyond myself, and be the support pillar and be who other people needed me to be at those times when it was all we had. I had to deal with hardships that required energy that I barely had enough of. I have gone through a lot of self reflection lately, and realize from the inside, I love who I am... but I hate how I act, how I speak how I present myself etc, because im starting to see that all those behaviors are based on what I have had to be.. and not what I really am inside. Im nothing on the outside of what I am on the inside and that deeply disturbs me. So through all this ive made a decision, that though it will be awkward, and strange, I am going to work on de programming myself and being more the way I would like to see myself. Be who I see myself actually being, who I like.. But as all habits are, its hard to break and override what has become second nature. plusss its also an adjustment for those around me to deal with those changes lol. I may end up looking a little strange lol.. and very very awkward. SO the FIRST thing I want to change about myself and need your help with: I swear too much... I hate that I swear so much, it sucks... its gross and very unbecoming of a lady....be gentle though like FML isnt that bad really I dont maybe it is... but no more sailors mouth.. smack me or something when I swear, I dont know.... SO there ya have it im pretty happy. First goal : clean up potty mouth!
Posted on: Tue, 15 Oct 2013 08:51:57 +0000
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