Ive been laying here for the last ten minutes trying to figure out how to explain how I feel but Ive came to the conclusion there are no words to explain how I feel. Three months ago not only did I lose the person I love with my entire heart but I lost my best friend also. His parents lost the best son that god could ever bless anyone with and his siblings lost the greatest brother in the entire world. If it werent for Evan, my family would not have me either. He always swore hed protect me no matter what and somehow, he managed to do that. Evan wasnt just my boyfriend, he quickly became part of my family. Everyone welcomed him with open arms, he was the son my father had never had and the one person he knew he could trust to protect his baby girl. When I first moved to Marystown, I was alone at the apartment a lot and didnt have any friends.. One night Evan said to me, if you arent happy here, as much as itll hurt me, ill help you move all of your things back to Terrenceville .. Thats when I knew I truly loved him and he loved me the same. When someone elses happiness is your happiness, thats love. I would never wish how I feel every hour of every day on anyone. To feel so alone, broken and empty and knowing no one besides him can fix it is the hardest thing Ive ever had to endure in my life. I have never had to experience losing anyone close to me and I never thought in a million years it would be Evan. We had our life planned together, we were supposed to continue to go through the good and bad together but I guess life doesnt always give you what you want. Whenever Id be upset Id crawl onto his lap and hed hold me close, somehow all of my problems, no matter how big or small would quickly disappear. Id do anything to be able to soak his shirt with tears once more. To have your whole world turned upside down in the matter of seconds is truly an eye opener. Whenever I hear news of a tragedy now, it hits me in a whole different way. Before I always used to say, I can never imagine what theyre going through but now I can.. Everyone grieves in different ways but a broken heart is a broken heart. Whenever I pictured my future Evan was always there, we would argue about kids on a daily basis or talk about how excited we were to actually start our life together. To know that there isnt even a slight chance that hell physically be in my future now is hard to take in. I still cant think of the days ahead without him being in the picture. Most days I sleep because when you sleep, youre not sad, youre not angry or lonely, youre nothing and thats probably the most comforting thing for me right now. I know what its like to want to give up more than anything, I know what its like to cry so hard in silence because you cant explain your feelings to anyone. I know what its like to have your mind go to dark places you never thought youd venture to and thats scary. I always remind myself when things get too rough and I want to quit that Evan wasnt a quitter so I cant be either. If theres anything that Ive learned, its that you can keep going long after you think you cant. I cant understand and I probably will never understand why this had to happen. Why Evan had to be taken from his family and I is a question I will ask myself forever. With so many evil people in this world, why was someone who had such ambition for life, someone who would help a complete stranger no matter what and always made sure the people he loved knew he would do anything for them taken so soon? No matter who I meet in life, where I go or what I do.. Evan will always be my true love. Im convinced whatever our souls are made out of, they were made the same. Stop taking the people you love for granted, they arent promised tomorrow. Love with no limits because life is way too short to be anything but happy and if theres one thing thats for sure, Evan and I were happy. In a crowded room, Ill only search for you. In a sky filled with shining stars, your eyes are the ones I pray for. Even though youre far away, my mind will think of you always. I miss you more than anything, baby. Thankfully when I close my eyes and think of you I can still feel your arms wrapped tightly around me. I wish everyday that we could of continued to have our happily ever after, that god didnt take you away. I pray before I sleep that when I wake youd be laying beside me again. The things id give for one more kiss. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just give up, but I wont.. Ill continue to live as much as it hurts, Ill live for you because I know youd want me too. Ill see you in my dreams, my handsome sooky bear. Your squishy monstar loves you more than anything.. Always. ❤️
Posted on: Tue, 11 Mar 2014 18:15:06 +0000
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