Ive been on a Million Dollar Day for about a month now. Its been a journey of discovery concerning what has been holding me back from achieving my goals. I needed to know what Ive really been afraid of and why I react the way I do to certain situations. I was gonna put this out a couple of days after I wrote it, but I realized I just wasnt ready. Now I am. Im about to get emotionally naked so that hopefully other people will be helped as well. Feel free to comment below. I just had a profound moment of clarity....... I have been dealing with depression in my life for years and didnt even realize it. I mean.....I kinda knew....but I never actually addressed it. Theres always been a constant ache inside me that would not go away no matter what I did. I became really good at the cover up game at an early age. Growing up in an abusive household, teaches you how to cover your real feelings and emotions. I learned how to hide feelings of sadness, fear, intimidation, inferiority and worthlessness behind a smile and a constant, ready comment of Im fine. Total Transparency........ Im fine......Those two words are the biggest lie that I told myself everyday. When I said those words, these are the thoughts that would go through my head..... Im fine.......I cant let you see my pain Im fine.......I will never let you see how worthless I feel Im fine.......Im scared everyday Im fine.......I dont know what to do Im fine.......I dont want you to feel sorry for me Im fine.......I dont really feel loved or wanted Im fine.......Im afraid of failure Im fine.......Im afraid of success Im fine.......I cant let you see me cry Im fine.......I feel hopeless Im fine.......Im afraid to show you the real me Im fine.......Im afraid of being judged Im fine.......I feel inferior most of the time Im fine.......In my mind Im alone Im fine.......I feel so inadequate Im fine.......Im lying.... Im not fine.... (Since writing this, I cant even say the words Im Fine without thinking about what I wrote. My entire perspective has changed) Total Transparency...... Im was always on the verge of tears. For years I have called myself a water head. I even wore that title like a badge of honor. Id cry at the drop of a hat whenever Id see or hear anything sad. Ask my family......What I just realized is when I cry during a movie or a story or a scenario that Ive pictured or conjured in my head, Im really crying for me. I never realized that........It seems I can cry for everyone but me. I was taught at an early age to never let them see you cry. If they saw you, then that means you were beat more. You were belittled more. You were abused more. You were told how much more worthless you were. You were weighed, measured and found to be wanting in every area. I learned how not to cry for me. I never realized that......Huh.....Wow...So thats why I cry so easily when I watch movies. Thats why I spend so much time watching sad movies. Thats why if I see someone else crying it affects me on a visceral level. Thats why I can come up with the most elaborate imaginative stories in my head and cry for those....but never for me. (During my almost month long time of discovery, Ive had a chance to weep for the little girl inside of me. Ive had the opportunity to cry and not feel judged for it. I can honestly say that since then, my crying at the drop of a hat has diminished significantly.) Total Transparency.......... I tend to avoid people because Im afraid that they will find out who I really am and decide to leave. So I leave first. Im afraid they will see that right past the bluster and smile, just beyond the Im fine, theres a terrified person who doesnt know how to get out of neutral. Yeah....I just realized that too.....Im stuck in neutral. I cant seem to go backwards or forward on my own. You know when your car is in neutral, you can give it a push in either direction and it will coast for a little while. But at some point, its going to slow down and come to a stop. Then what? The gas pedal doesnt work in neutral. No matter how much you press it, you wont go anywhere without the next push. Thats what my life has consisted of for as long as I can remember.....A series of pushes while Im stuck in neutral. Who wants to live like that????? Its a bullshit existence. Total Transparency........ I dont talk to anyone about my real feelings because Im afraid of being judged. In my head, as soon as I form the words, I can hear the following thoughts come like clockwork...... Youre a whiner...... That sounds stupid...... No one wants to hear that...... Grow up..... Put your feelings in your pocket....... No one really cares how you feel....... No one likes a failure....... Suck it up..... Like clockwork.....Ron wonders why I dont talk to him about how I really feel. Thats why. In my mind I already feel like a failure and a burden. Why would I add more fuel to that fire? I know he loves me. And he tells me all the time to talk to him. But I cant even form the words to even began to tell him where I am in my head space. The only words I seem to be able to say are....Im fine. You know....The big lie..... Total Transparency....... I want out of this. Im tired of merely existing like this. I say existing because this is certainly not living. So what do I do? I think having the courage to finally face this and write it so I can see it is a first step. Ive never done that before. My next step is to give it to a few people that I trust to read it. (Done. Now I can show this publicly.) I can count on one hand the people in my life that I can be raw, open and emotionally naked to and they wont judge me. They are my fav five who has my back to the end. Its time to fill in the void. And for the first time, I can feel a little of the space being filled. Total Transparency..............
Posted on: Mon, 19 May 2014 10:48:11 +0000