Ive been reading a book about pshchological abuse and I finally got some sleep last night. Woke up connecting the dots. What my abuser is doing to me is psychological rape. Not only is he violating my mind with verbal abuse but since he left hes stepping up the abuse to include physical abuse by keeping me captive in living conditions I cant physically handle in my weakened physical condition, like shoveling snow, but hes also manipulating the legal system to leave me without means, abusing me financially. This is why the abuse is described as diabolical. Its insidious in nature. Ive never been raped so I dont know how it feels to be raped but I do know how violated, helpless, and powerless I feel, and have been rendered. The book talks about how with psychological abuse, your feelings are the evidence of the abuse and you have to learn to trust your feelings. The abuser has already primed you for abuse by teaching you not to trust your feelings. Religion had already taught me not to trust myself, so my abuser didnt have much work to do in that regard. Very interesting how religion primes women for abuse from the day were born. With covert abuse, the abuser puts on a false front of caring, a smokescreen so to speak. To outsiders it appears the abuser is a good person with good motivations trying their best to manage a bad situation. Maybe they even see themselves that way. Maybe they even are! But it doesnt change the fact that theyre using abusive means to bring about a good result. (See The Inquisitions) Even for the abusers target, they know how bad they feel but its difficult to understand why they feel so bad. The abuse is so insidious that the target cant see whats happening until its too late. Its like being slowly poisoned. Slow poisoning can be deliberate or accidental but the effects are the same. The book talks about how society primes us to both abuse and be abused through faulty power structures. Interesting that, with new technologies to study the brain, science is beginning to verify these faulty power structures and their causes. I remember reading, recently, something about two kinds of thinking were primed with, Fixed (unhealthy) and Growth (healthy). Correction, I think were born with the one and primed with the other, conversely. Just had a lightbulb moment there. Everything Ive learned these past ten years of searching is starting to all come together and make sense as one big whole. I see a connection in the two power structures described in the book, Power Over (unhealthy) and Personal Power (healthy) with the previous two of Fixed and Growth. Abusers see people as fixed and to be controlled and their targets see people as in a state of growth having personal power to change their behavior. Thats why, I as the target, believed that if he understood how I was being affected by the abuse that he would change his behavior. But the more I tried, the stronger his need to regain power. Its the same power structure as in the song below, written about Apartheid but pertaining to all systems of abuse. So this was the connection I woke up making this morning....While my abuser and I were together, toward the end, the abuse was getting more and more frequent and long lasting and there was even one instance of physical abuse in which I did not suffer harm but it did scare the shit out of me to know that my abuser could become physical and that I could be in physical danger, as well, if I continued to fight back. I realized I needed to be careful but, again, I thought my abuser was on the same page. He was, in a way. He became more careful to abuse, covertly, even physically abusing me covertly. (as in holding me captive in living conditions my health cant tolerate and sending me off in poverty) The harder I tried to fight the abuse, the worse it got. I thought that if my abuser could just understand how he was making me feel that he would stop. I know, the book points out why thats not the case, but thats what I thought because as the abusers target, I was primed to think that way and because targets have a Personal Power and Growth model they believe and follow. But where this all was leading is that I realized that my feelings were crying out the abuse and my abuser was offended by them. In the end I was trying to get my abuser to understand my feelings by using what we both thought were extreme examples, examples like prodding a caged animal and rape. I was trying to get him to understand the feelings that happen in such circumstances and why he needed to stop. My feelings should have made me see who I was talking to, instead. I didnt realize how abusive he was being, to make me feel such feelings. I had to use extreme examples because I was feeling violated, tormented, unseen and unheard. I wasnt just FEELING that way, I was being treated that way and still am and I dont know how to escape. Josh Groban - Weeping [Lyrics]: youtu.be/0NdP2NDcKrc
Posted on: Sat, 25 Oct 2014 17:30:40 +0000
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