Ive commented before about the abundance of seemingly decent looking cars where the tax ran out a couple of weeks ago being advertised for sale and described as barn finds. There have even been tales of some of the big London auction houses removing recently discovered cars complete with their discovery surroundings back to Kensington where they recreate the barn find and auction the car - allegedly as found. I think that this is probably also related to the current classic car fad for fake patina, where a restored car is made to look unrestored - why not just fix what needs fixed and drive it rather than do a nut and bolt restoration and then spend even more money to make it look like you didnt restore it? Just dont restore it. Anyway, these trends got me thinking that we should get in on the act and see if we cant find an outbuilding discovery - I refuse to call it a barn find. So we bought a tidy, well cared for 80000 mile 1980 E12 520 auto. We brought it in and set to work. Firstly we removed the alloys and flung on a set of rusty steel wheels, bursting two of the tyres. We threw the keys along with the V5 into a passing bin lorry. Then we called in the valeter to attend to the interior. We thought the easiest way was to get him to do the car at the end of his day and to turn his hoover on to blow instead of suck resulting in a full days worth of dust, grime, dried buckfast, sweetie papers, fag ends, charlie, snot and assorted West of Scotland car interior detritus being blown around the interior for a few minutes. The doors were closed and the whole thing allowed to settle. Now on to the mechanics. It drove nicely and idled smoothly so we whipped off the cylinder head and tossed it in the scrap skip forthwith. The nice new genuine exhaust was hidden at the back of the unit and a rusty old E30 back box was flung in the boot. Then - and this is a master stroke for which I proudly claim the credit - the rest of the oily bits removed, like the carb, radiator etc. were also dumped in the boot to provide the evidence for the possibility of someone gullible forming the impression that a repair had maybe been started and possibly the cylinder head had perhaps been sent for repair before the caring owner had maybe died/lost interest/run out of money/got the jail and left the car lying in a garage. To make that a bit more believable we destroyed all the recent tax discs in the glove box, put some leaves and torn shreds of paper in there to simulate a mouses nest and then - another master stroke - we spent £14 on eBay on a 1993 tax disc, which instead of fixing to the windscreen with a genuine Harry Fairbairn tax disc holder, we flung on the floor and trampled it in the grime a bit. Then the exterior had to be detailed. This was the most difficult process of all. We used the tipping fork lift mounted swarf skip from the engineering shop and filled it with topsoil acquired in an astonishingly inventive dirt for ginger bottles equity swap scheme. One tipping skip full of ginger bottles swapped for a tipping skip full of dirt. What could go wrong? Well, to be honest, we hadnt really thought it through and emptying a tipping skip full of ginger bottles actually results in a big pile of broken glass on the access road to a busy building site which, of itself, isnt necessarily a dreadful problem unless the only way of getting back to the workshop half a mile away is a battery powered forklift with a range of 600 yards and a top speed of 3 mph. (Unladen - not carrying 500 kgs of earth). Anyway, the results are photographed here and I have to say I think it has turned out astonishingly well, all things considered. I think it really does look like it has been sitting in a shed off London Road for 20 years after having had a cylinder head repair started before the owner died/lost interest/run out of money/got the jail. It almost looks bad enough that it could only really be suitable for spares. Ill try to get some before photos up tomorrow.
Posted on: Mon, 22 Sep 2014 22:31:29 +0000
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