Ive had arguments, fights with my friends, friends and people around me. After the argument is settled, we re-conciliate. But each fight leaves the relation a little damaged here and there. The memory of it stays in the hearts, covered with layers of friendship but never disappearing completely, even if we try. On the other hand, I sin and I repent. I sin again and I repent again. I feel a strong burden of guilt over my shoulders every time I sin, but I do it nonetheless because Im a helpless human. Helpless over my neediness, helpless despite knowing that my Lord is watching me. But then the guilt takes over, which hurts me and depresses me and makes me feel miserable, but its still a blessing. Because if I never felt that guilt, Id become blind to the sins I commit. At least the guilt makes me feel ashamed. At least it helps me regret. And once in a while, although very rarely, I repent. The relation between man and God is strange. Its like, you dont get a visible response from the other end but you DO feel it. And the feeling is so strong, you can never deny its existence. When I first say Sorry, I barely feel anything. and the feeling of guilt stays, like I havent been forgiven yet. I feel more and more ashamed. then I stress harder on my prayer, until I beg for it. Finally, a feeling of relaxation takes over, like an invisible hand lifting the weight off my shoulders. and a strange sense of purity takes over, filling me with joy. Like Ive been forgiven. The whole process takes barely 5 minutes, but it feels me in with emotions so strong, I doubt I will ever be able to explain the feeling with words. Its just, I want to describe it because Ive never felt something so strong from any other relation.. no human has ever forgiven me so COMPLETELY for hurting them. the scratches always remain on their hearts no matter how hard I try to remove them, no matter how honestly i beg forgiveness from them.. Same is the case with me. I forgive easily but I doubt if Ive ever had the ability to erase the memories of what hurt me. If we could all just spend even 5 minutes of our day to reflect upon what makes us, what keeps us going, and the blessings we have, wed realize new dimensions of the world we had kept ourselves blind to, for all these years. And all these little problems we face, all these little fights we have, all the struggles for success and for a better country and for better politicians and better education, etc etc, ALL of it suddenly starts to look so small and easy. If only we REALLY tried. If only.
Posted on: Fri, 12 Sep 2014 16:17:10 +0000
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