Ive held off on writing about soccer for a decade -- or about the length of the average soccer game -- so as not to offend anyone. But enough is enough. Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nations moral decay. (1) Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls -- all in front of a crowd. When baseball players strike out, theyre standing alone at the plate. But theres also individual glory in home runs, touchdowns and slam-dunks. In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no childs fragile self-esteem is bruised. Theres a reason perpetually alarmed women are called soccer moms, not football moms. Do they even have MVPs in soccer? Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in. Thats when were supposed to go wild. Im already asleep. (2) Liberal moms like soccer because its a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level. [...] (4) The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport. Most sports are sublimated warfare. As Lady Thatcher reportedly said after Germany had beaten England in some major soccer game: Dont worry. After all, twice in this century we beat them at their national game. Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game -- and its not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box. (5) You cant use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Heres a great idea: Lets create a game where youre not allowed to use them! [...] (7) Its foreign. In fact, thats the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not catching on at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it. (8 ) Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because its European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they werent committing mass murder by guillotine. Ann Coulter
Posted on: Sat, 28 Jun 2014 01:21:26 +0000
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