Ive kind of been in a dark place recently and I want to share in case it may help someone else.... For my entire life, Ive never wanted to to be rich, or famous, or anything else monumental... All Ive ever wanted is to be NECESSARY.... not to everyone, just to at least one person... to truly make a difference, to be needed and not easily replaced... It may sound silly to some, but its honestly the only thing that makes me feel real. Its been a central focus of my psyche for so long that I dont remember when it started... I feel its always been my driving force. When I am feeling at my lowest, the most depressed, when I break it down to its most basic element, its because I dont feel needed... I feel like even the people I love would be better off without me, and that there is someone much better for them than I am. When I am on top of the world and doing well, its because I feel like I am making a difference and am essential to someone that I care about. I have to admit, out of everyone in the world, my youngest son, Ashie, is probably my anchor... he is what most often tethers me to the world and makes me feel necessary and a part of it all... I just worry about when he gets older and doesnt need Mama as much as he does now... so I work hard to make my existence have meaning beyond Mama to my littlest man... Ashie is 3 1/2 now, and has been my constant sidekick since the day he was born, and he doesnt transfer that to anyone else but me. Our eldest son has always been Daddys little man, and thats ok, I love him just as much... but he has always been more independent and socially outgoing that his little brother. One of Ashs earliest nicknames was Limpet, because he spent the first couple of years of his life perched on my hip, with his little legs latched around me for balance, while he accompanied me everywhere. He would not sleep unless I held him tight for hours, singing to him and cuddling him. Even now, when he is VERY hyper and active, he wants me in his sight almost always, often running to to me and hugging me so hard he has knocked me over, or climbing me like a tree so that he can perch on my hip and give me a kiss. He seems happiest when he is glued to my side... and I love that, but I also know that it wont always be the case... he will grow up and not want to be Mamas little sidekick one day... and I dread that.
Posted on: Fri, 22 Aug 2014 23:33:35 +0000
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