Ive never really talked about this because its so very hard to do, and I should have done it last year but i couldnt. 21 years ago today, my mother lost an over 10 year battle with cancer. It still staggers me to think that at that point she had it for over half my life. She was a single parent doing her best to raise 4 kids, working sometimes 2 full time jobs and still manage to find time to go to college. Im the youngest of the 4 and the one she held onto the tightest. I think she had a great fear of being alone after we had all grown up and left. I was 23 and still a kid, having not experienced much of the world at all, during the last months. Everyone else had moved out. My brother Chris, took the responsibilities of tending to her affairs, finances, funeral planning, etc. I had to do my best to take care of her and help her get to her Dr appointments, help her in anything she needed, cook, etc. etc. The first thing I had to do was get my drivers license. It took 2 tries (and I even nailed parallel parking the 1st time, busted it the 2nd), by by the Grace of God I got it, thanks to a friend taking the time & having the patience to give me a crash course (not literally crash no vehicles were harmed) & was able to take her to the Dr. I cooked her favorite things at first, and would get Guthries (akin to zaxbys) she loved Guthries. What seemed like slowly but was actually very quickly it started taking her. Soon it was Carnation Instant Breakfast & Ensure was all she could handle. She went through some treatments as a last course of action but it didnt help, except to make her sicker in other ways. I honestly dont remember much because it was all a blur and i was locking everything away in my mind to just be able to keep it together, but I will never forget watching my mother literally deteriorate. She was in so much pain they put a morphine drip catheter and it was set at the maximum legal amount and it wasnt phasing her. One of my aunts would come on the weekends and spend a day to give me a break which I am eternally grateful for. My brother would come and do the necessary business he had to and I could tell it was wearing down on him greatly and all the time he was constantly running. They couldnt get the drip at a sustainable level and was readmitted to the hospital. It was time to choose let her go back home or to hospice, and it was my decision because I was the one who was taking care of her. I knew i was in over my head and chose Hospice. At the time I wasnt really familiar with who Hospice is, but I thank God for them every time I hear them mentioned. I really cant describe how I felt. It was far from relief. The most paramount thing that happened throughout this that did give some relief is when her doctor told me I did a good job taking care of her. I will never forget that. From that day to now, one word can describe me on most days. Lost. Emotionally and on some days mentally. For the year after I had to move so many times I lost count, I think it was around 20, and for the next 4 years after she passed away my life was turmoil as I, still a kid learned about the real world. Its since as my brother called it normalized for the most part, as normalized as it can get I guess. I still have many bad days, but since my moms passing I learned so so much about friendship and how so very important it is. In many ways ive grown up a lot because ive had to, but where its important Im very much still a kid. So while I remember my mom today, I also am thankful for those who have helped me along the way. My brother Chris, my aunt Freddie, Sergio, Paul, Bradley, Big thanks to Jason for keeping me sane that 1st year, Andrew (aka David), Stephen, Angie for teaching me how to accept others although we may live in different worlds, my brother Butch, & his wife Kim, a gigantic huge biggest thank you ever to Arik for making the world stop spinning out of control, Catherine, Kayla, DrAmanda, Maria, Gentry, Marc, Mary, Kevin (knew id forget someone ) Thank you all so much, for doing so much. I would not be here if not for most of you I am eternally grateful, and those who just let me vent and put up with me, thanks. I love you all.
Posted on: Fri, 29 Aug 2014 05:06:34 +0000
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