I’m going to be truthfully honest with all Pollyanna kidding aside for a bit. Being sick about 98.8% of the time sucks quails eggs! Today was a day it all really got to me and I felt those floodgates start to come down, and even though I hadn’t even the strength to cry tears; I was certainly crying out to God on the inside, because I don’t know where else to turn. After an early morning psychiatrist appointment I was left more depressed, drained and sick as a dog, as I don’t handle early mornings well because of my long running illness. The maddening thing is that they know this and my GP has requested on a number of occasions that I be seen in the afternoon, and yet they continue to send out these early morning ones that leave me sick the rest of the day. Such is life. Driving home by myself my anxiety was sky high with hot and cold sweats and the most horrible feeling of nausea in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t get home quick enough and I just prayed the whole way that I would make it without hitting anyone or anything, and that I would be able to muster up the strength to do all I needed to do to take care of all the wee ones feeling as horribly bad as I did. After getting home almost doubled up with the pain in my stomach and running to the bathroom, I somehow managed to tend to a few must do things, get down half a piece of toast and some juice before having to lie down for a bit before walking the dogs and going out to the aviary to tend to things there. I find that whenever I lie down like this and think of and pray for someone who is also hurting or worse off than even I am, that it really helps me gain a better perspective on things, and it gets me out of myself which is always a good thing. I naturally think of others a lot and always have, so it’s not so hard. Thankfully I was able to get up and attend to everything regardless of the fact that I was weak as water and still feeling rough. I think pushing through it and forcing myself to eat whatever I could whenever I could so I was getting some energy into myself to keep going was a positive (regardless of how difficult) thing. I know that if I didn’t have the wee ones to push on for that I would eventually just lie down under it all and let it consume me. Thankfully that’s not an option today. I have too many people I truly love and care about counting on me, never mind all the tiny wee mouths I have to lovingly feed and tend to. I have to keep trusting and believing that one day this increased anxiety and pervading stomach issue will be lifted, even the tiniest wee bit so that I can get on with a better quality of life. I want to be able to show up for life better than I am able to at present. I want to be a better person and to continue learning and growing. I don’t think it’s too much to ask? I’m asking anyway! Thank you for reading. Love Ingi. Xo
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 20:13:18 +0000
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