I’m gonna go ahead a write early today for my second post. Let’s see if I can keep it short and simple. I’m going to try to go ahead and run. I figure I can find a way to mentally tough it out this week. Maybe. My body hurts but screw it, it’s beautiful and hot and a perfect day to sweat out the crap that is bugging me. I’m gonna run hard and sweat it out and come home and nap. I can write this now because I know I will. I have nothing else to do so I’m all good. Well, work on the book review which I have started typing and should be emailed to the appropriate party in the next few days for her review before she puts it on her site. I don’t think she wants to put poorly written work on her site. I’m doing the best I can. Sorry for being agitated today. I am who I am. I am self-depreciating because too many people take me the wrong way as it is. That is why I am so quick to point out how much I have suffered and been humbled. You can’t truly know unless you read the story. And if you get the gist of what I am saying you probably figured out I have earned my bad karma or whatever you want to call it. I call it God doesn’t forget. Same thing un-technically speaking I suppose. But it’s only by God that I have been given SO MANY chances and that I am not homeless somewhere. No friend would take me in and yes my parents would but they are getting older. I know how fortunate and blessed I am. So I am self-depreciating because I am unsure of my actions not of who I am. It’s all kind of surreal in a way considering I once thought of my life like the line in the Michael Buble’ song “Home,” that says, “It’s like I just stepped outside when everything was going right.” I didn’t quite know how good I had it until I almost pissed everything away. See I brought all my crap on myself. It doesn’t mean I’m not sick, it just means I could have handled it all if I hadn’t decided to be a bad guy and make bad choices. Oh hell, here I go getting deep again. I’m agitated and I apologize. It’s just how I get. I’m human and I feel agitation just like everyone else. Mostly at myself and YES, I’m extremely hard on myself. I expect more. But, I guess I’m not really Superman after all. I probably should have figured that out when I put over 50 staples in my hand (many many many times) or went to work on my body with a knife or scissors or a lighter or a match. I can handle all the physical crap you can dish out but mentally, I don’t always cope too well. And part of that is my belief that I should still be punished. But when is enough, enough? Maybe one day I’ll feel I’ve paid my penance and let go of the guilt. There are many layers to guilt as I’m sure some if not most of you know. Surely I am not the only one who feels guilt. Guilt is layered and while I can forgive myself for the basics, it’s the sordid underbelly that really gnaws at me. Maybe one day I will be free. Until that day I just keep on trying, hoping, fighting, living, loving and trying to be better than I used to be. And honestly, I truly believe I am. It doesn’t always help me but it doesn’t hurt me either. Oh, and I put pictures of myself in my memes and on my stuff because if you are sharing my journey you are sharing my journey. I’m still just a regular guy who happens to be bipolar and all the other crap. When everything was great in my life, I was still just a regular guy. And it is still great, I’ve just had a little or a lot more experience in dealing with things I never thought I would do or see. If you read my story you understand. More so for those that have known me for years because most others coming to the page to read for empathy and relating to all of this probably have seen and done it too. Whether you expected to I have no idea. I didn’t. I expected my life to go like clockwork. Like a pleasant cruise down a straight road that I had all mapped out. Now, I’ve learned to take it all in stride, turn it over to God and roll like water over the rocks and through the cracks and crevices of life. I just keep going and hopefully I can keep getting better and maybe make a small difference. I guess time will tell. I’ll let you know if I’m at peace when I get back. Peace out and God bless.
Posted on: Sat, 22 Jun 2013 20:52:10 +0000