I’m tired of fighting for this marriage By Dear Lucy Saturday, June 1 2013 Dear Lucy, I always said when I got married, I would stay and fight. And for four years now, I have stayed and fought. But I’m beginning to think I should be counting my losses and moving on. He d quit his job soon after we got married, apparently to do business, which has not really caught on to date. We have children now, almost starting school and still we are scrapping about and he refuses to get a job. He is disrespectful of me and is quite selfish. When there’s no food at home, he gets something to eat with his friends, or goes to his home to eat, and leaves me to fend with the children. Recently, he has started to sleep out and come back in the morning without any explanation. My children are always asking me for their father and I don’t know what to tell them anymore. His family doesn’t really help: they’re always finding excuses for his behaviour so I don’t turn there anymore Your situation is a handful my sister. However, I want to applaud you for being brave and enduring all the things you share in your story up to this point. I am sorry that you have had to go through this pain and I don’t think anyone deserves being treated that way. Now, we need to begin asking ourselves some fundamental questions. What solution is available in this scenario? I believe that you do well to deal with yourself before you deal with the problem at hand. Start by looking for the good points that your spouse had and/or has. If you find it difficult to do that, at least reflect on the good that you saw in him when you still loved him and were ready to commit at any cost. It is when you do this that you will regain the power to want to mend your relationship. Consider what part you played in getting it to this level. Try discovering the value, albeit little, that still exists in this marriage. I note with dismay that in all your narrative, you do not mention anywhere that you have sought the help of a professional person-priest and/or pastor, a marriage counsellor, a lawyer or one of your mutual trusted friends or mentor- to intervene in your situation. Such a person would analyse and give you a true assessment of where the problem lies. Right now, where you are, one is only able to know YOUR side of the story but it takes two to tangle, and there may be reasons for your husband’s behaviour that he would be able and willing to voice out in the company of a third party. The third party’s sole intention should be to help rescue the situation and resolve the impasse, without judging either of you. Finally, I am not an advocate for divorce and neither would I encourage you to give up your marital home. Every crisis can and will pass – if you are willing to work at improving your marriage. There is serious need for communication in your marriage – make every effort to sit down and talk things through with your husband. Don’t just settle for ‘asking’; as mentioned above, because such a policing attitude will only earn for you one word answers. As long as you have an attitude of fatigue and resignation, it will be difficult for your mate to take the initiative to change or to do something about the situation or his uncaring behaviour. Try out the above options and see God move on your behalf to restore your marriage. Senga Lucy
Posted on: Sat, 01 Jun 2013 06:35:17 +0000
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