JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE CAN HEAR DOESNT MEAN THEY ARE LISTENING by Heather Fiedler Counseling Center The season for merriment, family gatherings and gratitude is also the season when individuals could be facing more than usual stressors. When individuals are under stress, they tend to be more extreme in their actions and their words. Hearing and validating what individuals say can be a way to diffuse potentially stressful situations. Listening to others is more than just nodding your head in agreement or disagreement. Listening is an active process. It requires patience and commitment. It also requires a person to attempt a different point of view; other than their own. Listening to others presents opportunities to learn and grow. I cannot tell you how many times, I have learned something new from listening to others. An obstacle to the active process of listening is defensiveness. Defensiveness is a coping technique. Everyone has a mixture of coping techniques; whether it be defensiveness, sarcasm, mediation or isolation. At its core, the coping technique of defensiveness is a protective measure. It protects the person who is feeling attacked. If we could hear what others are saying, without feeling the need to defend or protect our own ideas, beliefs or thoughts, we can better understand the other person’s message. If we hear or validate others, it does not mean that we agree. It means we respect the other person’s point of view. Another obstacle to active listening is thinking about our own response before the other person is finished speaking. We need not have an immediate response to what others say. There is value in taking a moment (or more) to respond. As a parent, I often use the “That is a great question or statement. Let me think about that for a minute.” Giving yourself a moment to collect your thoughts decreases the likelihood of saying something, you wish you had not said. During this holiday season, let’s demonstrate active listening toward others. Let’s hear and validate what they are saying. We need not agree with one another. We do need to value what everyone brings to the “table.”
Posted on: Tue, 16 Dec 2014 18:35:39 +0000
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