January 7, 2015 Ive missed writing about my time with Melissa. The last few weeks have brought other responsiblities to the fore, all of which outweigh the luxury and the pleasure of writing about Melissa. And, to be sure, its hard to write, to be continually open about my experience. Voices sometimes interrupt my heart, arguing that Ive said enough, or people are tired of hearing, or whatever.... But sometimes I need to stop such interruptions, and just write. Melissa is still in the hospital. And shes been really sick. She has been on constant and high doses of pain meds to give her some relief. She has been knocked out, unresponsive, and, when awake, looking very uncomfortable. She may have started to turn a corner yesterday, but certainly by today she is looking better. That is to say she was awake today for part of the 3 hours I spent with her, she tracked me with her eyes around the room, I was able to stretch her contracted right arm without her heart rate skyrocketing into the danger zone, I wasa able to get her brac eon her right hand, and she mouthed some words. She is still sick, mind you, and she needs to remain in hospital for at least a bit, but it was progress. I spoke with a friend of mine today, an old friend, who tragically, while we were in graduate school, lost her hsuband to an accidental gun shot wound. It was one of the most horrible things Ive ever experienced as a friend, what I call exquisitely and perfectly painful. Just horrible. Until this, it was probably the most horrible thing Ive ever been associated with. She also happens to study diaries of widows, mostly war widows, so she is very acquainted with grief -- her own, and that of others. I mentioned to her that, of course, there is no comparing grief, or experiences of grief. One is not worse than, or easier than another. But I mentioned to her that because Melissa did not die, we keep on grieving, day after day, everyday, time after time we see her. It just never goes away. Its always lurking. And Ive mentioned before that carrying that, literally and figuratively, is, well, hard. I dont beleive in what I consider to be the absurd notion of closure. Surely, that was coined by someone who has never suffered grief, or real loss, though Ima ta loss to understand why it is so prominent as a saying. There is no closure. There may be some healing, but surely the hole in our lives will never be closed. Thats why its called loss for goodness sake..... So, today, when I was with Melissa, and she started to mouth some words, I was already grieving, like I do a little bit eveyday Im with her, every time Im with her, and was, therefore, already on an emotional precipice. So when I looked up from whatever I was doing to her precious body, and she was looking at me and mouthing words, I became excited. When she finished, I got right up next to her eyes, right in her face, looked intently into her her eyes with as much presence as I could, and explained to her, as I usually do, that I could not make out what she was trying to say. I said I was sorry, and that I really wanted to. And I told her that I wanted her to keep trying -- which she did -- and that even if she was frustrated or disheartened, she MUST continue, she must keep mouthing those words. And thats when I said something to her that helped me in the moment allow myself to be fully present with her, to not be afraid of or guarded becasue of the chasm thats developed between us. I said, Keep trying, honey. Please keep trying to talk. Dont give up, because I know that when I finally understand, my heart is just going to burst. Thats what this combination of grief and desire produce -- an awreness that what we want, what we desire, and what we have lost, is so powerful that we might just burst. Of course, it would not happen, and one does not die from this kind of horrible tragedy, even if we think we would (before it happens to us). But I admit Im frequently not far from bursting -- both from grief and from (expected) joy. As happens, the muse sometimes goes silent. Or, she cant find time to emerge. I hope she has revealed something useful, something interesting, something beautiful. Grace, Peace, and Love Papochka
Posted on: Thu, 08 Jan 2015 02:07:55 +0000
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