Jason, my friend, I miss you. I want to start by apologising for taking so long to write this, my eulogy to you. I needed to collect my thoughts and make sure that I give you the respect and honour you deserve. I also want to apologise also, to anybody reading this, right now...I have a lot to say, so I will be here for quite a while. Recently, a friend of mine told me that she was suffering the loss of a good friend of hers. I told her, as the 36 year old man that I am, that I was sorry for her loss but that, more importantly, I was sorry that I was ill-equipped to comfort her as I was yet to have ever lost anyone. Looking back, I remember thinking how I wished I had been able to share some words of wisdom, with her, from the view point of some level of personal experience. Sayings come about for a reason and never has it seemed more sickeningly appropriate to say “be careful what you wish for”. If you were to ask me now, how I feel, having acquired the experience of losing someone close to me - I would ask you, please, to take it away from me. I do not want to be sat here, in tears, trying my hardest to read the words I am typing on to my screen. Tonight, I will be home alone and, as always, I was looking forward to dropping you a text to ask you if you wanted to come over and spend the evening with me, talking about all manner of random subjects whilst consuming copious amounts of herbal tea. Instead, I will be sat here, truly alone, missing you dearly. 11 months, thats all the time we had together...not even a year. I wish we could have had more but, sadly, it wasnt to be. I had so many plans for watching our friendship grow. I dont want to sound selfish but, I am angry that you have been taken away from me and from SO many others, alike. It isnt fair, it simply isnt fair. You were only a child, Jason. 34 years young. You always used to say to me how you were “old” and “past it” but I would always tell you off for such declarations. I would always remind you “Oi, Im 36 and Im still a child so have less of the old, fella”. One of the last conversations we had, I honestly thought you were going to break down and cry on me. Do you remember, you said to me “Blue, Im 34 now, Im going to die alone”. I told you I didnt want to hear such s**t from you. I told you that when I was your age I was very depressed, single and on the verge of being homeless and unemployed. I told you that you couldnt know such things, about yourself, as I was living proof that life doesnt care what you think, life has a plan of its own and, ultimately, life will show you just how wrong you are. And what did you do - you laughed at me, as friends, and said “yeah, well, well see if Im right shall we”. You had to go and prove me wrong, didnt you. You always had such a dark sense of humour, Jason...why cant this all just be another of those poor-taste punchlines of yours? I truly wish it was, I swear, if you could just rock up to my front door right now, let me sock you in the head for making my heart & head ache so deeply, then I would throw my arms around you and not let go until you swear to never tell such a bad joke ever again. I was asked, at a recent job interview, to sum myself up in 3 words. I chose: Humble, Timid and (after having a discussion with the interviewer, about whether or not hyphenated words still count as one word, whereby I had to point out to them that they feature in Dictionaries as single entries) Anal-Retentive. In turn, if I had to describe you in 3 words, I would choose: EXTREME (Adjective) Not usual; exceptional: PASSIONATE (Adjective) Having, showing, or caused by strong feelings or beliefs: DEDICATED (Adjective) Devoted to a task, person or purpose: I dont think its enough to just declare my choices. I want to take the time to actually explain all 3, Jason, so that each of them can be put into context. First there is: EXTREME I started with this one for a reason and please, anyone still reading this, do not be quick to judge me for such a choice, I believe it is incredibly relevant and I hope that you will agree with me once you have worked through my explanation. Jason, do you remember the first day that our friendship actually began? It was not the first time we had met. If you recall correctly, we actually met briefly, in passing, during one of my visits down to Norwich whilst I was still living up in Newcastle upon Tyne. After we became friends, I explained to you that when I had first met you that day, early in the Summer of 2013, that I had been scared of you. Again, going back to sayings for a moment, there is that old cliché of “youre one in a million”. But, Ive never been comfortable with that saying. Last year, the approximate population of Earth was 7.2 billion. There are 1000 millions in a billion. Thus, that means there are 7200 million of us on this planet. To say you are “one in a million” would be to imply that there are another 7199 of you out there, somewhere. As much as I would like to believe that was true, there isnt. You are one of kind. As such, I had never met anyone like you before. Being such a shy, timid man as I am, I will confess that, at first, I found you to be very intense, loud and full-on...the epitome of “extreme”, if you will. In many ways, I was intimidated by you and your larger-than-life persona. Little did I know that those same traits would go on to be your most endearing and the ones that brought me closest to you. There is a quote I love, from the film Vanilla Sky, that goes as follows: “Just remember, the sweet is never as sweet without the sour, and I know the sour.” The character, when talking of love, goes on to say: “Its the sour and the sweet. And I know sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet. “ Thats why I call you extreme, Jason. Some people didnt get you. Some people couldnt understand you. Some people couldnt read you. I know because I was one of them. But a good friend of yours, Ellie, spoke so highly of you, and so often, that I was compelled to befriend you and to find out more about you. I regret nothing of having done so. Even though I am still sat here, many paragraphs on, crying my heart out missing you...I still would not change a thing about having taken the time to get to know you. Sometimes you CAN be harsh, sometimes you CAN be blunt, sometimes you CAN say the wrong things BUT its the very same extremities that make you so loving, so caring and so kind. Just think, if you hadnt been so forward with me, we would never have even spoke. I would never have had the courage to have approached you, a character flaw in myself that has left me having had so few friends in my small, uneventful life so far. Do you remember, earlier this year, we had a heart-to-heart where I stood up to you, against all my natural instincts to do so, and told you all the things that I love about you but, at the same time, all the things that worried me about you. I told you that I admire you for having the conviction of character to stand by the things that you say and do, regardless of if they are right or wrong and regardless of whether you know if they are right or wrong. You told me - you cant please everyone but that you always keep a core group of people, close to your heart, that you do care about whether or not you please them. You blew me away when you told me I was one of those people. I wish I had told you now, just how happy that news made me. I went away, from that meeting, wishing I had met you many years ago so that we would have had a chance to grow together. I am sat here gritting my teeth with rage, kicking myself that I never told you that. Second, there is: PASSIONATE This one goes hand-in-hand with being extreme. You cant achieve an extremity without passion. You are passionate about your music, your movies, your clubbing, your body modifications...your friends. Above all, as much as you would often like to portray yourself, to me, as a miserable, anti-social old bast**d you ARE passionate about people. I have always marvelled at the way you will just walk up to individuals & groups, around Norwich, and introduce yourself to them. Like I said before, its one of the things that I found intimidating about you at first but, all too soon, I grew to admire about you. Jason, I am new to social media. I have only been on Facebook for 2 and a half years. I may have over a hundred friends online but, in real life, I have made very few friends and, unfortunately, fewer still that I can genuinely connect with and relate to. You welcomed me under your wing the second we became mates. You took me out around the city & clubbing etc., at all times introducing me to a plethora of people of different ages and backgrounds. I have never known someone to know so many people. I guess it only serves to make it worse, then, that you thought so little of yourself. Thirdly, there is: DEDICATED This one, to me, was saved until last because it is so very personal. I have struggled, my whole life, with depression, self-loathing, self-ridicule and, unfortunately, the oft-uttered belief that I will never amount to anything of any discernible merit. As soon as you found out about my desire to set up my own business, you began an unrelenting assault on my neurosis, at all times making sure that I was aware of just how much you believe in me, my skills and in my ability to actually make something of myself. You spread word of my plans, for such a business venture, amongst your many groups of friends, you offered support and encouragement, you adored the work I have produced so far (to date) and you went out of your way to make sure I knew just how committed you were to making sure that such a project was a success. In turn, I told you that if you were right, and that my business idea does take off, nothing would make me happier than being able to turn around to you one day, in the not-too-distant future, and offer you a job in a promotions & advertising role. The way your face lit up, when I told you that, anyone would think I had just given you the winning lottery ticket. I was confused by how a few words, just from me, could have such an obviously-positive effect on you. You may not have always gotten it right, with the things you would say to people, but nobody is perfect...that day though, honestly, you could not have said a more-right word if you had tried and, likewise, you could not have so-perfectly made me feel validated and worthwhile. For that, Jason, I am (and always will be) truly grateful. I remember once, when you were sad and having a hard time finding anything nice to say about yourself, you turned to me and said: “mate, the only thing Im good at is talking the hind legs off a donkey” I turned to you and tried to make you smile by saying: “tell you what, why dont you talk the hind legs off while I write the front legs off, then what will be left …..3 dumb asses going nowhere!” Id barely finished a second when you jumped in and told me off. You said: “f**k off mate, you are going somewhere, youve got talents, fella.” Thank you for believing in me, Jason. I want to bring this piece to a close, now, but not before making you 2 promises. Firstly - I promise you that I definitely WILL do my best to make the most of myself. Secondly, I promise you that I most certainly WILL NOT ever forget you. You know Im not a religious man, you know Im not a spiritual man, you know I have no after-life belief structures at all. But, you also know that I do not choose my words easily because, fundamentally, I try to always only ever speak words that I can stand by. As such, I will end the same way I began...by telling you: Jason, my friend, I miss you. Blue Ao 24/10/14
Posted on: Fri, 24 Oct 2014 18:27:15 +0000
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