Jen and I made the most difficult decision of our lives today and stuck through it together. So as you all know Collin was on maxed out ventilator settings and was very heavily sedated every since his surgery two weeks ago. Since then our poor Collin’s heart has stopped, had multiple episodes were he would desat, and has had insanely high CO2 levels that would be unsustainable for the average person. Collin was going nowhere very quickly and was unable to fight any longer. We had a few options. Let Collin continue on this long and hard path towards the end of his life. Take Collin off his support and let him pass peacefully in our arms knowing that we would be there with him. Or make a drastic change in his care and put him on CPAP. CPAP is a form of air support where Collin would have to do his own breathing with little to no sedation. We were well aware that Collin had very little chance of survival on this mode of support but he would at least have a fighting chance on his own terms. This is the path we chose and told the doctors we did not want Collin to go back to the vent even if it would help save his life. Living on the vent was not living for Collin and ultimately it would not help us with our goal to get Collin home alive. Before we would make the switch from the vent to CPAP, we had Father Phil, a Jesuit priest from Marquette university come and bless Collin just minuets before we started. Father Phil was one of the Jesuits my mother cooked for at Marquette who now has his own parish out here in Raleigh. After father Phil blessed Collin, Jen and I braced ourselves as I held Collin for we knew Collin would only have possible minutes left before he could pass. As soon as they made the switch only seconds went by before Collin began to drop all his vitals. With what only felt like seconds Collin’s heartbeat dropped to nothing, his skin color went from extremely red to blue, Collin fought with everything he had to get air in his tiny lungs but was unsuccessful. As he struggled and struggled the doctor said he was sorry and asked if we would like to switch him back to the vent so we could take him in a private room to spend our final moments together. Jen said no we are sticking to the plan as she and I poured tears over Collin. A few minutes had gone by and Collin finally stopped struggling and became lifeless in my arms. Our hearts were breaking. As Jen and I cried I begged and begged Collin to please start breathing knowing very well that it was not possible. Then just like that I told Jen, I think he is starting to breathe. Jen didn’t believe me at first. Still blue and not moving we watched as Collin began to turn very red and struggle all over again. Little Collin had started to breathe. It was extremely difficult for him and it didn’t seem like he would be able to keep it up very long. After about 15 min Collin finally started getting his color back and his heart rate skyrocketed. Little Collin is again playing by his own rules and rewriting the rulebook on what little preemies can do. So I am proud to say Collin is once again doing well and has a fighting chance. Collin is still in very fragile state right now so Mom and I are staying close by this little guy. After Jen and I finally calmed down with Collin, I told him that when I get older, and I am on my deathbed, he’s going to have to go through the same thing with me. I’d like to give a special thanks to Dr. Price who has been with Collin from the very beginning who stayed extra late today to follow through with Collin’s amazing recovery from such a major change in care. Also Father Phil for staying with us and blessing Collin. It was truly a pleasure to meet you and introduce you to our son. Also all the nurses that help take care of Collin. And last but not least all 40,000 of you who have read Collin’s post on Saturday. The outpouring and amount of people that are following this amazing emotionally roller coaster of a story are unprecedented and I thank every one of you for all of your support. Oh yeah, and Jen you are the most amazing, strong willed, and beautiful wife and mother a husband and son could ask for.
Posted on: Mon, 20 Oct 2014 03:19:37 +0000
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