July 11, 2014 Saturday was a beautiful day for us. Gramma (Lawanna) and I (Papichka) took the baby up to see Melissa. Brian was already there, having left earlier. When we arrived around 1pm, Melissa was fast asleep. She had had a full morning, having done all three different kinds of therapy (speech, occupational, and physical), part of which was being up in her chair. After being in that for a couple hours, she was back in bed by the time we got there. Brian was away getting some work done on his car, so we finished feeding the baby, trying to keep him quiet, and Gramma got him off to sleep, first on her lap, then transferred him into the pack and play crib. We pretty much just sat there for a long time, sitting, watching, being quiet. We try to let her sleep as much as possible, and certainly not to wake her when she is sleeping, since that’s a sure sign that she needs the rest. She had a full morning, after all, and would have some more PT at 330, so we let her sleep. At one point, as fairly frequently happens, I was sitting there watching her, trying to get my head around just what has happened. Sometimes I still can’t believe it – that she has had this horrible brain trauma, and that she is just lying there, not talking, hardly moving, etc…. And sometimes it’s just too much, and I’m overcome, and I cry. Today I went to that place again, and looked over at Lawanna, who was holding West, and she was crying too. What can you say? It just is what it is – but it’s really sad. The hole in our lives – all of our lives, many of you too – continues to be so big. But she did begin to arouse by about 3 or so, and so Lawanna and I pulled closer to her, and we both began to talk to her. We all like to inform her of how things are going, and one of the things we know she likes to hear about is West. I was on her right side, and she was looking to her right, sometimes at me, and sometimes past me. This is common. And Lawanna was on the other side of the bed, holding her left forearm softly and tenderly. I began to tell her about how I get the frequent privilege of bathing West. And I’m glad I did, because I got a nice reward, kinda like Lawanna and Sarah got a couple weeks ago on one of her “spa” days, when Melissa pulled them both in close to her to hug them. That Melissichka does not get to bathe West yet is a real source of sadness for all of us. We are very aware of that. But it’s also important, as we have said, that she know he is being well taken care of. And so I decided to share with her what a joy it is for me to bathe him, when I get to, and just how much it means to me. I told her how I set the bath water in the sink and in the little “tub” we have that goes in the sink (and which he has just about outgrown already), and how I get the water temperature just right. I told her how I wet the wash cloth and make sure to drip or squeeze warm water out of the wash cloth so as to keep him warm. Then I told her how I my three-step process works. First, I wrap him in a towel, completely, so only his eyes show, and I put the pacifier in his mouth. I told her how I hold him really tight to my chest, to keep him warm, but also to make him feel completely surrounded, completely held, and warm, and how I hold him like that for a couple minutes, as I sit on the bed and talk to him. Then I told her how the second step is to unwrap him, on his back, and put lotion on him, front and back. I mentioned that he does not always like this, but he’s getting used to it, and that I give him a little back massage. Then I told her how I wrap him up again, this time in one of his favorite blankets, still naked, and with his pacifier, and how I hold him again for a couple minutes talking to him, shooshing him, whispering in his ear, kissing him on the eyes and forehead, all while he sucks on that pacifier with just his eyes showing. By this point in the story I had reached across her body to hold her left hand, just below where Lawanna was holding her forearm. She was holding my hand too, and it was nice. Her right hand was up near her trach, which is pretty normal. I was talking to her quietly, but looking in her eyes, and she was making fairly consistent eye contact with me at this point. She was listening intently, as she frequently does when we talk about West. And frankly, it was not easy for me to get through this report to her without crying. I usually don’t hesitate to allow her to see me get emotional, but I was trying to keep it together. One reason why it’s so hard for me not to cry, and the same reason why frequently, when it’s just West and I in the bedroom after his bath, I cry with him is because of how every time I bathe him I think of her. I think of how he is her, in so many ways. I think of how it’s me, and not her, who is bathing him, and that makes me sad. But I also think of her now, and how, like with West, I want to just whisper in her ear that everything is going to be alright. I was telling her, and this was emotional, that the reason I do all of this is so he will feel the warmth, the security, the protection. And, of course, I was telling her how it is the absolute high point of my day. The gift came when at some point at about the time I reported to her that I wrapped him in the second blanket, and just after I told her how I always think of her when I do these things to West, she reached down with her right hand, placed it on top of my right hand which was holding her left, and she not only grabbed it, but she squeezed it, and she kept on squeezing it. It was for me like the hugs were to Lawanna and Sarah, and like the other times Brian has mentioned about her showing affection to him. Those moments are really rare, I’m sorry to say. But when they come… wow! What a day. Grace, Peace, and Love Papichka **Both pics are from Melissa and Brians wedding and honeymoon trip. *****Please like this page, in addition to “liking” the post, to continue receiving updates, and please share this page with others so that Melissas team can continue to grow. gofundme/team-melissa
Posted on: Sun, 13 Jul 2014 01:53:01 +0000
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