June 16, 2013 “Sorry: Unleashing Our Own Becoming” Scripture: Psalm 51 “Sorry” has become a dangerous word. In today’s hyper litigious society, it increases your liability. When you say, “I’m sorry,” to someone, you are admitting culpability. You are confessing that you knew that what you did was wrong but you went ahead and did it anyway, or that you knew that you had an obligation and you were negligent in honoring it, or that you recognize that your actions or inactions were responsible for causing the injuries or losses that another party suffered. In our hyper litigious society, saying “I’m sorry” leaves you vulnerable to a civil lawsuit or criminal prosecution. When you say, “I’m sorry,” you are admitting that you are to blame for whatever bad thing has happened. And if you are to blame, then you deserve to be punished. You must be held accountable for your bad behavior or poor judgment. You must pay, either in fines and punitive damages, or by taking away something valuable from you: your job, your freedom, your family, your honor. “Sorry” is a dangerous word. Instead of sorry, we have become preoccupied with blame in our culture. Whenever something bad happens, we want to know who is responsible. We expect those in positions of authority to launch an immediate and thorough investigation to get to the bottom of things and figure out exactly who did what. We demand that someone be held accountable for the bad thing that happened because when we identify the person to blame, it makes the rest of us feel safer. He or she can’t harm us anymore. Last week’s Gallup poll revealed that confidence in congress has slipped to an all-time low with an approval rating of just 9% of the American public, but rarely do we hear our legislators say, “I’m sorry” for the partisan bickering and political gridlock that has prevented us from making progress on any significant legislative agenda, from affordable health care to immigration reform to taxation. Instead they seem preoccupied with holding investigative hearings to find someone else to blame for whatever is wrong with America today. As incredulous as that seems, we are the ones who elect our legislators. Congress is a reflection of our culture. Instead of sorry, blame has become our principle preoccupation. But in our Christian tradition, “sorry” is one of spiritual practices that is at the heart of our faith. Over and over again we are called to live with humility and grace and in order to do that we have to practice the discipline of confession. We have to learn the art of fearless self-examination. Jesus once said, “Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, “Let me take the speck out of your eye”, while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5).” Unlike our culture, our faith tradition encourages us to get good at saying “sorry.” Today we heard one of the penitential Psalms, part of the liturgy of the ancient temple that provides a template for people of faith to examine our own hearts and our own lives and to gain a deeper experience of the mercy of God by acknowledging our own shortcomings. Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions…. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me… You desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart… Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit. In our faith tradition, sorry isn’t a prelude to punishment. Sorry is the practice that leads to humility, wisdom, mercy and joy. In his book, Naked Spirituality, Brian McLaren observes that as our spiritual development takes us from the joy of simplicity to the deeper insights of complexity, sorry is one of the spiritual practices that makes it possible for us to move beyond our black and white, good and bad, right and wrong dualism without losing our faith or courage or commitment. The maturity of our faith depends on our ability to self-examine, admit mistakes, and process failure. That is the spiritual practice that McLaren summarizes with simple word, “sorry.” Theodore Roosevelt once said, “It is not the critic who counts; not the (one) who points out how the strong (person) stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the (person) who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends (oneself) in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if (one) fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that (ones) place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” Brene Brown is a social researcher who picked up on Roosevelt’s phrase, “Daring Greatly” and began to explore the qualities that enable and inhibit people from daring greatly. As she analyzed the interviews she conducted with people, Brown began to realize that daring greatly comes with breaking through the fear of inadequacy: the fear of not knowing enough, not being daring enough, not having enough confidence, or faith, or hope. The fear of criticism, public exposure and shame is what prevents people from daring greatly. With the NBA championship on the line, LeBron James is probably the most over analyzed professional athlete on the face of the planet. Because he made such a media spectacle out of leaving the Cleveland Cavilers to build a championship basketball team with the Miami Heat, every time his team loses a game the critics rake him through the coals. No matter what happened, he gets blamed for the loss. If his teammates play poorly, it is because James needs to get them involved in the game earlier and build up their confidence by spreading the defense, opening up passing lanes and getting them open shots at the basket. But if he passes the ball to his teammates instead of scoring himself, then he gets criticized for not being aggressive enough, not attacking the basket, not drawing fouls and getting to the free throw line. Every time his team loses the critics begin to question whether or not LeBron James deserves to be numbered among the greatest who ever played the game. Fortunately for Miami Heat fans, LeBron James will never be numbered among “those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” No matter who wins the NBA championship this season, LeBron James will not be held back by his fear of inadequacy. He is someone who has learned to dare greatly. Brene Brown’s research led her to shift one of the fundamental questions that organizes her life. Instead of asking herself, “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” she began asking, “What is worth doing even if you fail?” If we can’t fail, then we can’t try, we can’t risk doing anything that might disappoint others, we can’t move beyond the limitations of what other people expect of us. It is our fear of failure that keeps us from daring greatly and that fear is deeply rooted in shame. It is rooted in our belief that there are things about us that, if other people see, will make us unworthy of being connected to them. Our underlying fear of not being good enough is what keeps us from daring greatly. Sorry is a spiritual practice that helps us embrace who we are with all of our imperfections. Sorry is a discipline that reminds us that we are incapable of living up to anyone else’s expectations and that we are still worthy of love and connection. Sorry untangles us from the shame of our own inadequacy and restores authenticity to our lives. We don’t have to pretend that we are better than we are and we don’t have to hide from our failures. Sorry lets us be seen as we really are so that we can love with our whole hearts and practice gratitude and joy, believing that we are enough. Our culture is preoccupied with blame, but the Psalmist reminds us that “the joy of our salvation,” is rooted in sorry. Amen.
Posted on: Mon, 17 Jun 2013 03:57:40 +0000
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