Just a bit of an update, thank you to all those that have sent texts and pms, posts and phone calls. I really do appreciate your concern. This past week has been an utter roller coaster, up and down like a yo yo, with no clear reasons. The underlying causes were not obvious and I felt like I had completely lost my way and was completely alone. All my normal coping strategies werent working and I lost the ability to ask for help.I had no motivation for life itself and spent a good part of last week in bed. The medical term for this is Relapse. This was the first time in 12 months I have been this sick. I tried to reach out to people but I couldnt verbalize what I wanted. I needed compassion, human contact, and someone of a rational mind to ask simple questions, to help me pick through these thoughts to find out what was the trigger. On Friday, My Doctor and I think we may have worked out the trigger. I am about to start a new placement this week, and subconsciously this has been stewing away. It is not the placement itself, that part I am okay with, I know in a rational mind that I am going to do fine. But underneath is the fear of failure and most strongly the fear of rejection. Something I have very recently discovered about myself is this underlying desire of perfectionism. Although I may not be someone who looks like a perfectionist, I realize I have built up such high standard in the areas of my life I CAN control. One of these areas this is evident is in my working life. I pride myself on my work ethic and my ability to undertake my job. I have always done jobs where I can help others and provide a high level of service to my client. I am someone who will always give 150% even at my detriment, my work consumes me and I rarely switch off. These feelings of unknown and loss of control in the placement have contributed to my anxiety lately as I normally seek out a safe zone. I start tomorrow completely blinded and exposed, therefore in my head I have already failed before even trying. Avoidance isnt going to be an option in this instances so I have acceptance and will at least try this week and will reevaluate on the weekend. Another area in my life that I struggle with perfectionism is ME! My self esteem, I am my own worst enemy, my severe self criticism and my overwhelming lack of ability to see any of my positive attributes. Thoughts like my best is never enough, I am not good enough and I dont deserve this OR of course I deserve this always bounce around first. I honestly though my feelings of uselessness and worthless were gone, but even now every single thought I have, still comes back to these 2 feelings. I aim for perfection and balance in me... but while I do this I create anxiety and brokenness because I will never find happiness in my achievements while thinking like this. Looking back over my life these themes of failure and rejection are constantly recurring. Yet in reality all I ever strive for is to fit in, respect, compassion, loyalty, acceptance and most of all a feeling of being loved, but even more importantly what this has taught me, is that I still have so much to learn about myself. Again thank you, and smile because the world needs more smiles!!!
Posted on: Mon, 20 Oct 2014 02:21:52 +0000
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