Just copied this from ARRSE: Army commander bans sandwiches in attack on barbaric habits Dear Sir, 3001TO39 LETTER OF THANKS - MAJOR-GENERAL JAMES MICHAEL COWAN CBE DSO 1. We, the junior officers of your mess, wish to thank you for your earlier 3-page memo. Given the challenges of operational drawdown, budgetary cuts and generational structural change, we are reassured that our leaders are not distracted by such trivia and are instead addressing the vital military issues of the day. Considering the effort and time you took from your busy schedule, we felt it only correct to show our appreciation of your thoughts. We note from an Army spokesman that your original missive was intended as a light-hearted dialogue, and not at all a serious attempt to impose proto-Victorian behaviors which make Senior Officers, who are never in the mess, feel more comfortable while alienating junior officers, who live here. So, given you lamented the lack of suitable conversation between senior and junior officers, we feel sure you will appreciate this free, funny and entertaining dialogue on suitable topics outside work such as our marriages, grammar and sandwiches. 2. You wrote that quite a few of us are under the impression that we can eat with our hands. Please let us assure you, we have confirmed it: we most definitely can eat with our hands. If you have not already been made aware, hands are most useful for a range of such manual tasks. We particularly like using them for eating for several reasons: a. Common understanding has it that sandwiches were designed for manual manipulation. b. Sandwiches take half the time to order and eat in the mess, so we have more time at our desks in your headquarters, in order to read more of your emails about eating sandwiches. c. Sandwiches are enjoyable and reasonable value. When the improved quality and cost from PAYD actually improves quality and cost instead of producing overpriced belt-fed contractor fare at the table, we might come back. Until then, we are pretty sure the PAYD directives issued by the chain of command highlighted choice as an important aspect of the system. We have chosen to eat sandwiches. Actually, we chose the cake, but apparently that was a bit of a joke by Mary, the mess manager, and didnt actually exist! d. We dont have to spend our lunchtime making faux-polite conversation at the table with Senior Officers while avoiding any honest and meaningful discussion that will torpedo our annual report. e. Its really hard to eat a Brie, Bacon and Cranberry baguette melt with a knife and fork. 3. Please be assured that we are not negligently eating sandwiches with our hands with complete disregard to the consequences. We carefully follow a range of metrics to calculate the impending End of Civilization As We Know It. Admittedly in the last few days several of the World War metrics are a bit worrying, but we are confident they are not caused by us eating sandwiches. 4. We note your observation that few junior officers stand when you - apologies, the Commanding Officer - enter the room. This is of course entirely wrong, and we will correct it immediately. Please excuse Capt George RLC and Capt MacDonald RE, however: the prosthetics make it a bit problematic. While on the subject, please be assured that Capt Fraser RLC is not, in fact, giving you the finger when saluting - its just that he only has the one remaining. 5. You note that it is considered better manners if our Wives And Reputable Girlfriends (WARGS) write letters of thanks for mess events we attend, and that the secret to a successful marriage is to generally avoid them unless at home where it proves impossible [DRAFT: check, is this right?]. Clearly this is a sensitive topic, but you see, Sir: we actually quite like our wives. That is rather why we married them. Unfortunately, some of them are a bit demanding these days. They will tend to go on about their own career - which, incidentally, tends to contribute a bit more to the family coffers than ours - their concerns, and so on. Many of them see it as a bit of an imposition to agree to go to a work function of ours so they can be plied with copious amounts of drink while being banned from visiting the ladies room, encouraged to watch paunchy middle-aged men get smashed and make inappropriate comments before staggering off to piss in a sink, and then be made to write to thank you for the pleasure. Often they would rather just let us get on with it. When they do agree to come to mess functions, it is often considered a night out with us. Given that between HERRICK rotations, weekend duties and exercises, and spending up to 2000hrs on a weekday in your headquarters reading emails about sandwiches, we dont get to see each other that much, so they quite like sitting with us. It makes them, the guest, more at ease and happier. We were always taught was the aim of mess functions. Please let us know if this has changed. 6. We read your tips on grammar and clear English. We completely agree. We are encouraged to see support for our concerns from our commander. Since you will clearly be pushing this issue up the chain of command to get a revised and much shorter edition of JSP 101 issued forthwith, can we assume an implied task that all 3 (UK) Division paperwork should immediately sack off such wanton use of capitals and acronyms? 7. Finally, we hope you dont feel assaulted and exhausted after reading this. We realise, compared to many of the basic military tasks conducted daily by your soldiers, that this kind of stuff is pretty tough going. Your fortitude, consideration for our welfare, and focus on the important issues continues to inspire us. We remain, Sir, Your mostly obedient Chaps, etc.
Posted on: Fri, 07 Mar 2014 13:32:27 +0000
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