Just got the call from UCLA that Walter will be ready for me to pick him up tomorrow! He can now come home once again. His kidney and liver functions have returned to normal – actually both are spectacularly beautiful! He will need a home nurse to deliver IV antibiotics once a day for the next ten days to make sure that the bacteria that were in his blood after the biopsy don’t grow back. But other than that, he is once again in good shape. We are currently awaiting another Echo Cardiogram to make sure that his heart is still doing well. This bump in the road (or small “foothill” as Walter calls it) seems to be on its way to being behind us. It has been one of the more scary times, as the infection came on extremely quickly and forcefully. And both Walter and I are emotionally raw from the last year of ups and downs. So very raw! I step into anger and disbelief once in a while: Why now? Who caused this setback? Could we have done something differently to avoid this? Walter doesnt do this so much. He takes it one step at a time trusting the process. But as his caregiver, I do it. It takes a lot out of me to chase down doctors, ask questions, and make sure they all know of his now extensive case-history. I live and breathe ways to keep him safe in this overwhelming sea of medical intervention. And frankly, I am exhausted! Driving the LA freeways for hours is so tiring, and then only being able to spend a little time with Walter, as I want to also be home and present with the kids. To combat this, I remind myself of the bigger picture. I realize that my anger is covering an inner vulnerability that, when I check in with myself, is all about feeling like I am wearing thin. It is about having so many things to do, and not enough time to do it all well. And I cannot stand that feeling of half-assing anything! So I get angry at myself for not doing enough, angry at the doctors, at the kids, at my work, even at Walter! So I have set “anger alarms” for myself. Whenever I start feeling an attack of anger coming on, I ask myself: What am I afraid of right now? And most of the time, it is an inner sense of helplessness that is at the culprit. There is still so much about this process that is out of my control. That leaves me guessing at night. And second-guessing! And that is what makes me go nuts. So a modified serenity prayer is my trusted companion: I do what I can to the very best of my ability, and then leave the rest to God, good friends and prayer. Most of the time, it allows me to re-connect to gratitude. I will never forget for a moment how blessed we are. At UCLA the other night, three people died on the liver floor. They did not get a liver in time. We could not have gone to Nebraska and saved Walter’s life without the caring support of you all. When I turn my mind around and connect to gratitude, I then see the morning sun rise over the mountains, I feel the smoke-like fog as it caresses the Wetlands on my morning walk. I see the love and life force in the eyes of our kids, I hear birds call my name; I even stop to appreciate magnificent works of art made outside our front door by arachnids. And I gain strength and faith to continue the journey, boldly and with determination! The kids and I are excited to get Walter back home, where his recovery and strengthening process can continue in comfortable surroundings. Now here on the other side of all of this, it feels good to announce that it is 100% established that the new liver is A-OK!!! Much love and continued appreciation for holding Walter and I in your thoughts and prayers. AND, if you have already signed up, please talk to someone you know about signing up as an organ donor. Imagine if people didnt have to be so sick before they could get treated. And it can be any one of us, or someone we love, who at some point will need of an organ transplant. Imagine if organs from dead people still didn’t mainly get destroyed, but could be put to good use saving lives. Here is a link to a facebook page that has a listing of sites where you can sign up worldwide. goo.gl/H2tQAe
Posted on: Thu, 09 Oct 2014 21:17:48 +0000
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