Just when I think I know to what depths trauma goes, life has a way of showing me I never know enough and always have to learn more. On September 26th I had a complete abdominal hysterectomy and last night my boyfriend broke up with me again. I am completely overwhelmed with loss and know that this is a new trauma I must process and work through. I have all these questions coursing through my head, What will I do? Where will I go? Im alone, what will become of me? I can feel panic building and the need this need to scream and just not stop screaming. I have never known a pain this paralyzing in my lifetime. I have a history of suicide attempts, three in total. I chose suicide as a coping mechanism ~ a way out as a child and now at thirty-eight the old familiar feeling is back and all the words that come with it. Just get it over with. No one needs you here. Youve suffered enough, just end it. My mind can produce a thousand reasons why I shouldnt be on this earth. This is the gut of suffering, the precipice of decision that so many become a statistic to. So what do I do? I have to see through the story I told myself over and over. I have to peak through the veil of illusion which has blanketed my reality since I can remember. I have to come to the conclusion that no matter what happens to me in life, I will stay alive. I will not die by my own hand. No matter how much loss, how much hurt, how much pain, how much terror, how much emptiness.....suicide is not and never will be an option. I write this because I know there are many of you out there who contend with this each day. The silent urging that haunts you during the day. The low whisper urging you to just give up that interrupts your attempts to just live your life. There has to be a place within you and within me with so much grit, nothing can penetrate it. That grit grows each time we deny the urge and choose to live. I talk often of surrender on this page and it is another word I keep learning has so many layers. Here I sit; poor, alone, childless, and to any outsider I dont have much to live for. To me, if I can learn to surrender ~ truly surrender to life and all that it throws at me than I have reason to breathe. To be able to look this anguish right in the face and say, I accept you in my life right now. Teach me what you will.~ with no anger, no expectation, no fight, no resistance is to truly Live. I dont know what will happen to me or where Im going but for once in my life I dont think I need to know anymore. I bow my head and humbly say, I surrender. Having the awareness that somewhere, right now there is someone crying just as hard as I am, praying as hard as I am.....helps me know that pain is an undeniable part of life, as much as beauty and love. For now I live among all three. Stay strong and if you pray, please pray for me now. Thanks for your support :) Sincerely, Kate J. Tate
Posted on: Wed, 15 Oct 2014 07:33:54 +0000
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