LASER RAM (Mar 22-Apr 20): Although it will have been a lengthy, difficult and confusing process, your decades long fight to found the Universal Church of Jim Hensons Muppet Babies will finally come to fruition next Tuesday around 2:00PM. MARTIAN DEATH BULL (Apr 21-May 21): Have you tried looking for your keys the last place you left them? Dont roll your eyes, thats TOTALLY where they are. DEAD EYED GHOST TWINS (May 22-Jun 21): Its perfectly normal to be nervous when a nearby guy has a giant salad fork. It doesnt mean youre paranoid. ROBO-CRAB (Jun 22-Jul 22): Now that youve established the cultural significance and innate loveliness of the Didgeridoothbrush, next comes the task of figuring out how to make a dumptruck full of money using it. MUTANT RABID LION (Jul 23-Aug 22): OK, so Brickhouse didnt take as your personal theme song. Dont give up. Maybe try Dude Looks Like A Lady next. Or some kind of hobo folk song. I dont know. The important thing is that you keep trying. HOT ALIEN ULTRA-QUEEN (Aug 23-Sept 22): Its not that youre necessarily jealous of the attention the dogs been getting, but youd like it if, every now and then, someone implied you were a good boy, too. A SCALE WITH HUMAN HEARTS IN IT! (Sep 23-Oct 22): Stick em up! Hand over your wallet, your keys and your socks and this horoscope wont hurt anybody. SCORPION (THEYRE COOL ENOUGH): (Oct 24-Nov 21): You always thought it would be cool if Weird Al Yankovic parodied one of your songs, but itll be kind of hurtful when he parodies the waddly way you walk. KATNISS (Nov 22-Dec 21): You wont sound convincing using the terms home slice or home skillet. But, trust me, youll get results with home miniature crock pot and home broken Zamboni machine. LASER... SHEEP? (Dec 22-Jan 20): Youre going to make a lot of people angry when it turns out that the super secret crazy awesome treasure that people have been seeking by following your elaborate, labyrinthine and mind-blowing clues for years is just a little tin box with a slip of paper in it that says peace on earth. You douchebag. HELL BEAST. WITH A JUG. (Jan 21-Feb 21): Relax. Seriously. Geez. SNOWBOARD FISH (Feb 22-Mar 21): That fortune cookie about finding peace where and when you least expect it was a total crock. Youll find it exactly where and when you most expect it. At a McDonalds in inner city Cleveland on Elvis Presleys hundred and tenth birthday. Duh.
Posted on: Wed, 21 May 2014 21:12:01 +0000
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