LAST NIGHT ON THE ULTIMATE STATE OF MIND - BETTER NOT BITTER By Muyiwa Afolabi You were all by yourself, trying to make sense of your life, your daily routine, your activities as you work hard towards the future. You were happy in your world, being by yourself, doing what makes you happy and brings you excitement. Then suddenly they show up. You didnt invite them, you were just minding your own business but they show up all the same. And they begin to speak to you and talk to you and confide in you and compliment you and sing your praise and tell how wonderful you are, how good you make them feel and how you have become very important to them and their happiness. Initially youre skeptical, youre indifferent sometimes even irritated by all theyre doing and saying; it comes across as suspicious and as though there is a different agenda from what theyre portraying. Youre trying to believe them but something on your inside says be careful, all this looks too perfect and flawless to be true. You try to ignore this person and all the drama and suddenly other people around begin to talk to you as well and encourage you to give the person a chance to allow such a person into your world, into your private life into your business. Then your siblings begin to encourage you, your close friends begin to encourage you, your very best friend begin to encourage and at times even your parents make comments and remarks suggesting you give such a person a chance. Eventually you give this person a chance; you allow the person in your world, in your space, in your life. The person comes in and turns out to be wonderful. The person does the right things, says the right things and treats you the right way. It makes you happy, youre excited and glad you gave the person a chance. Then the warmth begins to glow within, your heart begins to well up with emotions, the glow; like a red hot charcoal comes alive in your heart and the warmth overwhelms you totally and its all about this person. The person takes over your world, your emotions your whole heart is enlightened with hot passion for this person. Youre almost helpless in passion and affection for this person, the persons presence is ever with you in all you do. You think of this person, you live, breathe and exist on this person, the touch, the kiss, the embrace, the warmth of the body is so magical; so different so unique and personalized you create your world around this individual. Your heart, your soul is so into this person, you cant breathe well and your heart begins to race just at the thought of this person. Just thinking about this person you smile to yourself, you even form imaginary conversation with this person and laugh so loud its as good as real. You ask yourself questions and in your mind imagine their answers; in their presence or absence, youre constantly involved with this person; such a person suddenly becomes your world. No matter the distance, no matter the rain, no matter how late, no matter how difficult, nothing can keep you away from this person when youre really keen on seeing this person. Then, comes the promise from this person, never to leave you or abandon you, a promise to be right by your side through thick and thin; a promise to love you to care to protect and be with you forever; Sweet words of promise, commitment, devotion, dedication and loyalty. Some delivered with the best tone of voice, some with tears in the eyes, some even swear and some even make an oath in this regard. You believe them, you trust them, you believe the words you trust the promise, your mind is settled, youre with the best person for you in this world, no one can treat you better, no one can say it better, no one can make you happier, no one is a better delight, companion and best friend for life, you arent’ looking no further, youve found your own, you talk to everyone boast to everyone, vouch and defend this person in everything, you even quarrel and argue with family and friends on the account of this person and everyone can see clearly how much youre in love and how committed you are, they all give up on you, believing youre settled and good like that. Then suddenly, without any warning this lover and one and only has been sleeping with your best friend and shes pregnant! Your first reaction is shock, disbelief, you go numb, you try to stay together, you try to think its not true, then you question and investigate and they both admit and confess its true. You want to go crazy; you cant believe your eyes and ears. Where do you start from you begin to think? Where do you go from here? After all these years? Who will hear you, who will help you who will support you, who can you explain to? Who can you tell what really happened? You try to make excuses for this person but there is none, you again want to take the blame but you cant see how; you did everything humanly possible to satisfy this person who promised you heaven and earth! You gave everything; you gave your all in all! And at the end of everything, this is your pay back? Youre angry, youre depressed; youre shocked and confused, its not making any sense, its all like in the movies, you cant sleep, you cant eat and the tears wont just stop flowing. Your friends cant help you, your family and siblings cant help you, in fact some of them are saying things that are so very annoying and out rightly dumb! Everyone is just talking no one can feel you, no one can connect with you everyone is just talking no one is feeling you. You have so many empathizers around you yet youre all alone in this horrible situation of deep pain and acute hurt. Everything in your life becomes meaningless and tasteless, nothing is exciting anymore, nothing is worth it anymore in fact you may have considered killing yourself. The hurt is just too great, the pain is just too much and day after day, the situation is so real and hey, you must live with it, your lover is now with your best friend; how disappointing, how painful how sad. The pain and annoyance turns to anger when this your best friend and ex-lover are not really sorry or sober, they dont respect your feelings or the fact youre going through pain. You still see them around and they appear to be well and happy while youre hurting and crying. The pain and anger is worsened by the fact that your other friends and even family members are indifferent to these terrible guys, they greet them and relate with them as though theyve done nothing to you. You feel betrayed and deceived. You feel its almost as if everyone is happy this happened to you and behind your back theyre laughing and making fun of you. Youre down, low and bitter, you really feel like hurting them back. Hmmmm. My dear friend, I know how it feels to be hurt and betrayed by people you gave your everything to, believe me Ive been there and I know exactly what youre feeling . Youre not the first it is happening to and you wouldnt be the last. Its happened to many of us and it will still happen to many more, so if it brings you any comfort, youre not the only one. There are many whose being through your journey before. You see, the real pain you feel is not what the person did to you, the real pain is in the fact you did not expect the person to do what the person did. So your pain is not that of betrayal, it is that of expectations. Now your expectation is your prerogative, thinking someone cannot do something or act in a particular way is not the persons fault. No matter how you look at it, it was your decision to expect certain things or behaviors from this person; no matter what the person promised it was still in your place to decide whether to believe or not, so you must take responsibility for trusting and believing so much. This may sound hard but it is the truth. Why did you have expectations from this person, its simply because you decided to rely on this person for some things you wanted and needed desperately as a human being, which is love, care and attention and maybe even material needs. Another reason why you had expectations is because as humans we hate loneliness, we hate to be alone by ourselves, we love to have people of like-minds around us, we crave for company. What we often forget is, the people we want around us and desire to be with us for company are not perfect, they are imperfect in nature so they can hurt us, disappoint us and upset us. It is natural for people in their imperfect nature to be bad to you. So expecting a perfect companion is all delusion, everybody and anybody can mess you up any day anytime and this has less to do with whether the person is a lover, a sibling a spouse or even a parent, were all ordinary people, feeble and weak in nature. So it is an expectation and mindset problem. Anyone and everyone can betray you, you just need to prepare your mind for it, to avoid the shock. The truth is anyone can make promises when there is no pressure or temptation. People dont betray because they want to hurt you, they only betray when they decide to put their interest beyond and above yours. The selfish nature of man would always make them traitors. Every human being has the capacity to betray, its a matter of what is at stake. My dear friend, Im pleased to announce to you that you have gone through a good season that produces maturity, emotional stamina and wisdom in every human being. This is now the time to take some matured steps to reposition your life for greatness. First you must use this period to develop a solid relationship with yourself. This is not the time to ruminate and meditate on what has been done to you, how someone has hurt you or disappointed you, no. This is the season of personal re-discovery and self-definition. Know yourself. Who am I, what do I want in life, how do I get what I want, when do I get what I want, whats the cost of getting what I want in life, what are my strengths, what are my weaknesses, what do I do with my strengths, how do I manage my weaknesses? This season my friend is the time to come up with your own principles and self-commandments. A man without principles is much lacking in maturity. You must have your dos and donts no matter what comes. You must stand for something and be known for something. When youre not clearly defined in your mind, you wouldnt know the kind of people to invite or accept into your life or the kind to reject and avoid. What you need in your life is not just people but useful relationships. Anyone lacking in ability and capacity to help you on your journey through life shouldnt have a significant place in your life. They would be detractors and would distract you. Immediately you have yourself re-defined, and you set a journey before you and you begin to travel on this journey, before you know it, all the pain and hurt and disappointment would vanish. Stay focused on your journey and move ahead, never build permanent structures in your heart around temporary situations and people. Go to work, give it your best, concentrate your thoughts; stop wasting time. Work hard and deal ruthlessly with poverty, success and money makes you important and respected by even strangers. If you chose to remain angry at life and at others, youre unfortunately only punishing yourself and no one else. Truth is, life no send you ooo. Only fight what you can change; what you cant change let it go. This is not the time to fight and shout and argue, when people hurt you for no just cause, life has a way of bringing them back to you on their knees and they would need something from you or have to eat from your hands. Your best form of revenge is to succeed, what they thought you couldnt do without them go ahead and do it, pursue your dreams, goals and objectives, by so doing you will make them regret letting you go. It is the best form of get back. Maturity, is not to remain in bitterness, its to allow the situation make you a better person. Think it, do it, achieve it and be the ultimate man, its all in your mind! Till I come your way again, this is Muyiwa Afolabi saying, Goodnight tonight.
Posted on: Tue, 18 Nov 2014 17:33:30 +0000
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