Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: By the end of my opening statement, I want you to clearly understand some key facts. First, Im sure youre wondering Is a Crisco Disco a real thing? The answer is yes and its exactly what you imagine it to be--a floor surface coated in Crisco. Second, my client very much regrets not informing each and every person in that abandoned mall--people lured in by what the plaintiffs legal team will tell you was a misleading billboard promising free TVs--that the Crisco Disco was taking place. But please understand, a true Crisco Discos success is measured by the wild gesticulations people make while participating; to have hundreds of people already anticipating a slippery floor would have made them cautious, and therefore less likely to run headlong into the dance area while camera flashes both temporarily blind them and capture the sheer exhilaration of their surprised faces as they lose their balance. Finally, I am representing myself because Crisco is, and I quote, appalled that our product was used in such a way and that if anything, we support the lawsuit against you. Having said that, I think Im doing a pretty good job. So vote for me! Thank you. Do I sit down now or am I free to go? I have an appointment at 3, so...well, lets just put a pin in that for now. --A vision of my future as a successful lawyer. Dream it. Be it.
Posted on: Fri, 30 May 2014 14:46:20 +0000
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