Last night, I called Caleb in my sleep. I dont mean that I had a dream that I was calling Caleb. I dont mean that I yelled out for him in my sleep. I was in the living room, on the sofa, up far too late and apparently nodding off to sleep while doing who knows what. I was on my iPad, which was open to safari (web/internet). I dont know what exactly I was reading or doing or writing, whatever, I was internetting. Next thing I know, I awoke from sleep to a ringing sound. I looked down at my iPad, and saw that it was making a FaceTime call. To Caleb. I very quickly hung up. Partly because before I could even process/check WHO it was calling I could see that it was making a call to someone in the middle of the night so went into a panic and just hung up. After I hung up, the screen went back to safari/internet. Not to FaceTime. It went back to the internet. I dont understand how, physically, this could have happened. Tonight I told Barbara about it, and then I wondered if it was even real. I looked at my iPad. I went into FaceTime. I found that a call was made to caleb this morning at 4:11am. And ANOTHER one was made to Caleb at 4:15am. Both calls are referred to as cancelled. In case this matters to any sleuths out there, I then checked if, prior to this, he had been the last person I had face time called with that device. He was not. He was, however, the most recent person on the list of missed calls. (From the end of July.) So. Somehow, I called Caleb, in my sleep. Twice. And yet after I hung up the FaceTime application disappeared and Safari reappeared. I find this very mysterious. On another topic… the other day we walked past a two family house near us that is unusual among the surrounding homes and I recalled that we went in there when it was for sale (for fun, it was well beyond our means). I chatted a little about it and said that the upstairs apartment has three bedrooms. Banjo said if we lived there then Caleb and I could each have our own room. Or, we could share a room and then have a guest room. He decided sharing with Caleb and having Barbara come sleep in the guest room was the best plan. Im not sure if there are rules for how Im supposed to respond to him speaking of Caleb in the present tense. But I find it soothing so maybe he does too. We have added new parts to his bedtime routine. After Michael does the main event reading, I join him and sometimes read a short book and/or then tell him a story. (Interestingly, on Sunday after skipping Hebrew School, he handed me fox in socks in hebrew and asked if I could read it. I said I could at least start. He then asked if he could try to read it too. So we took turns and read a few pages. He needed a lot of help [and I probably sounded ridiculously inept but it was good enough for him]). A few nights ago when I had the idea that he really needed a story - composed on the fly, by mommy - I was a bit at a loss. Caleb is dead. What story can I tell? What lesson (moral) could I possibly share in story form? What on earth do I even say? I decided to tell a story of two princes. I never gave the princes names but I named their horses after Caleb and Banjos special stuffed animals. They rode their horses together all day, and when they came home to be with the king and queen, if it was cold out they drank hot chocolate and if it was hot out they drank lemonade! (banjo guessed what I was going to say). Not much of a plot. Just a fairy tale of two brothers still together. I asked him another night if I should do a prince story. He said yes, I should make it a series. So the next time the two princes got to play in a wonderful playground, and their teachers pushed them in the swings while they taught them. And, again, at the end of the day, the two princes got to be with the king and queen. Tonight I got a little more ambitious. I sent the wonderful princes to shul. They prayed beautiful prayers. The more they prayed the louder and more confident they became. After their prayers there was a beautiful kiddish with the most delicious grape juice and challah and all sorts of amazing snacks, including hummus like in Israel and even sushi. Then they went to the park and climbed a beautiful tree, the leaves so many colors, and someone painted a picture of the princes in their crowns, high up in the tree together. And the family hung the painting in the palace, and they all went to bed. And then the queen told them a story. Yes, and then the queen told them a story. And then they fell asleep. And lived happily ever after. I went to a grief counselor yesterday. The same one who came to our house. It was good. Even having to take the train and go into manhattan I guess is good. One of the saddest things right now is how far away Caleb is getting. How the new normal is taking over. The world is continuing and this is how things are and Caleb is not here. He is forever 6. I owe a lot of people thanks for a lot of things. I never know who wants to get the thanks and who would rather take them in person and have me remain quiet. Maybe in my effort to thank people I embarrass? So, I appreciate it all. So many people have helped me, even just over the past few days. Some for hours and hours. So THANK YOU. I neglected to mention that Shlomo and Dudi visited last week. To say a pleasure as always is so completely inadequate. Afterwards, I walked them to their car and was regaled with some good Caleb stories. Like when someone arrived at camp (where security is TIGHT), and someone said onto the walkie talkie do not let them in. And then Caleb got onto a walkie talkie and said LET THEM IN! and then the person actually responsible for the decision said repeat: do NOT let them in. and Caleb again said let them in! I can almost see the big smile on his face, drunk with the power and hilarity. After they left, the radio played one of the songs that was part of the Chai lifeline fundraising dinner flash mob, where the boys danced so gloriously with David. Shlomo emailed me the words. And I cried. When life leaves you high and dry Ill be at your door tonight If you need help, if you need help. Ill shut down the city lights, Ill lie, cheat, Ill beg and bribe To make you well, to make you well. When enemies are at your door Ill carry you away from war If you need help, if you need help. Your hope dangling by a string Ill share in your suffering To make you well, to make you well. Give me reasons to believe That you would do the same for me. And I would do it for you, for you. Baby, Im not moving on I love you long after youre gone. For you, for you. You will never sleep alone. I love you long after youre gone And long after youre gone, gone, gone. When you fall like a statue Im gon be there to catch you Put you on your feet, you on your feet. And if your well is empty Not a thing will prevent me. Tell me what you need, what do you need? I surrender honestly. Youve always done the same for me. So I would do it for you, for you. Baby, Im not moving on, I love you long after youre gone. For you, for you. You will never sleep alone. I love you long after youre gone And long after youre gone, gone, gone. Youre my back bone. Youre my cornerstone. Youre my crutch when my legs stop moving. Youre my head start. Youre my rugged heart. Youre the pulse that Ive always needed. Like a drum, baby, dont stop beating. Like a drum, baby, dont stop beating. Like a drum, baby, dont stop beating. Like a drum my heart never stops beating... For you, for you. Baby, Im not moving on. I love you long after youre gone. For you, for you. You will never sleep alone. I love you long after youre gone. For you, for you. Baby, Im not moving on, I love you long after youre gone. For you, for you. You will never sleep alone. I love you long, long after youre gone. Like a drum, baby, dont stop beating. Like a drum, baby, dont stop beating. Like a drum, baby, dont stop beating. Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you. And long after youre gone, gone, gone. I love you long after youre gone, gone, gone
Posted on: Wed, 30 Oct 2013 06:19:12 +0000