Last night I counted down the hours and minutes, kept looking at the time thinking what my mom might have gone through at that very moment 1 year ago. When I finally fell asleep, my husband woke me up because I was crying. That isnt anything new, I do that often but I usually dont remember the dreams. I remember them all from last night. I wish I didnt. I am not ok today. Im not going to pretend I am. They say the one year anniversary is a tough one. Its true. My mind keeps going back to exactly how this day went 1 year ago. All of the emotions and non-emotions as I called bc it didnt feel real. It didnt feel right. I know now why. Ive heard so many times Youve got to let go of this anger. Its not healthy I know the ones whove said it mean well but how can they determine what I SHOULD feel when I myself dont know what I SHOULD feel. I know one thing for certain though, letting go of my anger and forgiveness is not an option right now. Its what keeps me from crumbling and allows me to pursue the RIGHT things. It keeps fear from taking over... Please, I never want to hear let go of your anger and forgive again. So easy for someone to say when they arent you and havent walked in your shoes. I know thats something that may come in time and I know thats its what I should do eventually but that time is NOT now. Like my therapist said youre being traumatized daily with reliving this because you have to. Not because you want to. Forgiveness and letting go of your anger may come in time, but its impossible right now. Dont burden yourself with feeling like you should do something you arent capable of right now. I learn something new daily of what happened. I learn of something tragic and horrific my mom endured... Instant forgiveness isnt something Im capable of. Im not Jesus, I am human. I am a daughter of a lady whos life was taken by the hands of someone she was supposed to look to for love, protection and respect. I want justice to be served for whats happened. I want him to suffer for what hes done. I want honor to be given to my mother. No, wrong wording. I DEMAND all of those things. If anyone says they cant understand or dont see how I could demand this things and expect my own father to pay the consequences, shame on you. After learning what my mother went through for years, I am adamantly saying I wish he were dead and not my mom. Harsh words? Sure they are , but very true words. Maybe people would understand the way I feel if theyd see what Ive seen in black and white but truthfully I dont even care if they agree or not. I answer to My God, and maybe I dont have the Christian words and feelings of forgiveness, but I will have to answer for that. Dont judge what you dont know. Dont pray for me to let go and forgive, instead pray for justice to be served quickly. In justice I will find peace as well as my family. I will hold my head I. I will visit my mommas grave site today. I will grieve the loss of my mom. I will grieve the loss of her life. I will grieve for the suffering she endured. I will ask for her forgiveness of not believing her. I will promise her as I do daily that justice will come so she can rest in peace. A year has gone by and he has NEVER placed flowers at her grave. Today had better not be the day he chooses to make an appearance. I love you mom, Ill see you soon when this life is over for me. It isnt now, Ive got lots left to do on this earth but I look forward to the day I can get one of those one of a kind mom hugs.
Posted on: Sat, 09 Aug 2014 16:21:07 +0000
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