Late night jokes: clooneys wife-aletering experience ________________________________________ The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon • This weekend the world said goodbye to one of the greatest players of all time. Thats right, George Clooney finally got married. • Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton, who gave birth to a baby girl named Charlotte on Friday. Or as Hillary described the baby, “Third in line to the throne.” • Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a baby girl. And get this, shes already said her first word: Iowa.” • Yesterday, Kenyan runner Dennis Kimetto ran the worlds fastest marathon by finishing the Berlin Marathon in 2 hours, 2 minutes, and 57 seconds. He also set another record by being the first guy from Kenya to be named Dennis. ________________________________________ Conan • George Clooney got married in Italy. His bachelor party was held over the course of the last 30 years. • You may be able to tell from my voice that I have a little bit of a cold tonight. But its nothing that cant be cured by applause. • Microsoft has announced its going to open its first flagship store in Manhattan. The Microsoft Store is expected to be just like the Apple Store, but without all of those pesky lines in front. • North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has not appeared in public for weeks. There are rumors hes sick due to too much cheese, fried chicken, and beer. Sounds like someone is applying for American citizenship. ________________________________________ The Late Show With David Letterman • Over the weekend, George Clooney got married. Matt Damon and Julia Roberts were there. What was it, a wedding or a heist? • Evil dictator Kim Jong Un has not been seen in three weeks. I hate it when a recluse disappears, dont you? • Kim Jong Un didnt even show up at Clooneys wedding. • Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether shes running in 2056. ________________________________________ The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson • George Clooney is off the market. Clooney and his bride got married in Italy on Saturday, and two days later they are still married! The wedding was so beautiful, it already won six Oscars. • Matt Damon was at the wedding, but Ben Affleck was not. Thats because the Italian church has a very strict One Batman rule. • My advice to George is to remember that marriage is complicated. It starts out pretty good, but then there are long rough patches, times when you want to leave. Oh, no, wait. I was thinking of Oceans 13. • It will be strange seeing George Clooney with a wedding ring. Seeing Clooney with a wedding ring is like seeing Mel Gibson with a yarmulke. Or like seeing Matthew McConaughey with a shirt on. Or like seeing Honey Boo Boo with shoes. Or like seeing the Lakers with a victory. Or like seeing Bruce Jenner with a wrinkle. ________________________________________ Jimmy Kimmel Live! • Its National Coffee Day today. Legend has it that coffee was discovered in the sixth century by an Ethiopian goat herder. He built a stand out of branches from an olive tree and started charging the goats $6 a cup for them. And the rest is history. • One of the most expensive coffees in the world is made by feeding beans to a creature-like cat. It eats the beans and they travel through its system, and when they come out the beans have a rich, mellow flavor. The guy that figured that out must have really loved coffee. • At one point or another, most everyone that drinks coffee has had his name spelled wrong on a coffee cup. I have a friend named Joe, and even his name has been spelled wrong. Not only is his name Joe, but they call coffee Joe, so its the one name they should know how to spell. ________________________________________ Late Night With Seth Meyers • What a weekend it was. Derek Jeter and George Clooney both quit playing. • George Clooney finally got married this weekend in Venice, breaking the hearts of delusional aunts everywhere. • Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote. • A 102-year-old Long Island woman celebrated her birthday this weekend by going to White Castle. Services will be held tomorrow morning. ________________________________________
Posted on: Fri, 03 Oct 2014 16:32:00 +0000
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