Learning To Find Acceptance And Peace In The Worst of Circumstances After The Psychopath One day, as I walked into my therapist’s office for an appointment, she was standing at her desk and turned to me with a look of absolute anxiety on her face, “I can’t see you today” she said hurriedly, “there’s something going on in my life right now and I have to leave and I can’t be present for you like I need to be. We tried to call you, but, as it turns out, you were on your way here….” I was surprised. A therapist had never done that before. I was a little irritated because the drive is a bit long, but with the look on her face, my irritation turned to concern for her and I didn’t feel I had the right to ask, “what’s wrong?” So I told her I understood, and she was quickly on her way. I rescheduled the appointment and left. On way way home, I had a great respect for her ability to care for her own life, but also that of her clients. It’s important to be present and stress can often mean that you are not. That is what is going on for me here. I have felt blocked in my writing and supporting because of the circumstances I find myself in, facing homelessness, Again. I’m very resourceful and have managed to get the bills paid, but that is now in the past. I was fortunate enough to write this blog and to mentor survivors for a year, without it costing a cent to operate because I mentored over email and I could do it all for free, because my bills were paid. My dream was to continue to write and mentor and to grow a small business in this, mentoring and coaching, and writing just to get by. My life is very simple now, and it really doesn’t cost a lot for me to live, but it’s alot when you don’t have it. I realized that if I wanted to grow it, I would need to upgrade to a phone that is connected to a land line and an inexpensive computer for Skyping, in order to continue to reach more survivors while making a small income for myself to keep the blog going with my writing and survivors moving forward with their healing process. So after much thought and feedback from those close to me and survivors who had become my friends, I put up a donation link to get it going. “If I could just make it through to September and had what I needed, I would be ready to go.” I think if you can make a living at what you love doing and are passionate about, you are really lucky. If you are a simple person, it’s even better. I realized after experiencing wealth and then living in poverty but abuse free, I let go of all the ‘things’ that people find so important to them. Recovery has been important to me, enough to let go of things, and to learn to live life simply and recognizing the simple beauty around me that I can enjoy every day. I could have stayed in my marriage for financial sustenance and a life style I had become accustomed too. Sometimes that option seems to be easier, but I know myself well enough, that I would have chosen poverty over that kind of pain. Women like me in situations like that, which are all too familiar and all too common, are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Neither way is easy, but if you have yourself and skills to hang onto and you’re a young mother, you have a chance to make it on your own. Do it if you can. Find safety in leaving and then rebuild. It is worth it. This isn’t the same if you have been married for years and not worked. There are so many variables here, in deciding to get out, for me it wasn’t worth the abuse. And I knew my ex would not pay child support and would be taken care of. And he didn’t and still today, he is taken care of and nothing is asked of him. This is where the injustice bothers me at times. Even so, I can’t let it. I have to keep moving. But with the circumstances as they are, I cannot be as present here. The circumstances and frustration with it, block me on every level right now. The closer I get to homelessness, the more real things become in my life and I’m writing from a place of fear and pain. That’s not fair to anyone. I love doing what I do and have been doing this work for over two years, but steadily here for a little over a year now. Hours and hours of hard work and love have been put into my writing and mentoring. I just want to say thank you for giving me the best year of my life. I found stability, passion and a skill that I could use to help those in recovery or to understand the psychopath. But donations are not coming (exception 2), and they probably won’t. I think it’s a reality that I’m not the only one who has written about this, nor am I the only one who mentors and coaches. It’s just the way it is. So, like my therapist did that day, I can’t be present here right now. For the moment. If things go like I think they might, maybe it won’t be much at all. But I’m going to stick to my recovery no matter what as well as trusting God and myself for the outcome. It’s all I have left, but I would be dishonest if I didn’t said that this makes me very, very sad and yet I hope that somewhere in this world, someone benefits by it and finds healing. I’ll leave this in God’s hands and see what else can be done. I’ve pontificated a lot about acceptance. Submission….just accepting what is happening and trust the process. So that’s where I will be and this is what I will do. I know what I’m experiencing on many levels is consequences to abuse. I hope that you don’t let the worst of circumstances stop you from believing and hoping. As long as there is hope, you can recover, no matter where you are or what is going on. It may not feel that way, but you really CAN. I don’t have much time left here, so i think I’ll get off the blog and put up my type and enjoy the beautiful day and put my trust in God for a miracle. Recovery is a miracle. I hope I’m not asking for too much. Peace…..
Posted on: Sun, 21 Jul 2013 19:59:06 +0000
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