Lesson learned. Its been two years since I wrote this. I am happy that youve moved on with someone in life. I hope its okay if I share this lesson on love and life with everyone. I didnt mention any names in this letter anyway. I edited some parts a bit. But most of it is still in the original format: To someone, I am still thankful to have you come to my life. You have done very good things for my sake and I will always be grateful for your friendship, your benevolence, your frankness and your consideration for my personage. Out of those things you gave to me, you have earned my respect, admiration, concern and goodwill. We created a very positive bond and I never intended (and will never intend) to damage, let alone destroy, that bond we created. I understand your situation. However, I hope you understand mine as well. I have always been an outwardly-emotional person. If I feel happy or bored, I show it. For things like grief, frustration, fear and attraction, I try to suppress them, but if I could not hold back, I either keep them to myself or vent it out by talking with other people or even writing about it. I have to resort to these positive outlets, because if I do not, either they manifest through my crankiness/tension/stress or I resort to nasty habits. In this case, allow me to make the following conclusions: aside from realizing that I am (and will always be) a straight guy, I am happy that we’re great pals, bored (and a bit sad, not grieving) when you are not around, and afraid for the things that might come and ruin our friendship. I have never been frustrated over you, but I am frustrated for having been attracted, and (consequentially) emotionally-attached to you. But please do not feel bad. You are not at fault for this happening in my life. I blame myself, actually. I blame my mind and heart for thinking too much about our bond and putting color to things that should not be, err… colored. This just shows that I am not really ready for this stage of life. Perhaps emotional attachment is never good for me. It makes things in my life chaotic. And life (for me at least) is already chaos. And I never meant to have well-meaning people like you involved in this already-chaotic life of mine. Not only does emotional attachment make my life chaotic, it also brings to me a world of pain that no actual wound, injury or illness can match. I, too, am not impervious to heartache. Despite all these, I reiterate: you are not at fault for this. It is my fault, because I was the one who made the choice of getting emotionally attached to you. I was the one who succumbed to my feelings. And it shows that I can be conceited and selfish even to the people who care for me. If attraction really is not good for me now, perhaps it will never be good for me. I have always liked using warfare (especially knives) as an analogy and figure of speech, in spite of my name. I feel pain way beyond being stabbed. It is the pain of heartache and solitude. But, do not ever feel guilty about how I feel at the moment, because you are innocent. Despite giving you the knife, you are not the one who stabbed me. I was the one who stabbed myself. I gave you that knife, held your hand, and USED your own hand to stab myself. Not only was I conceited and selfish. I was also stupid for doing this to myself. I never really liked making verbal apologies because they do not suffice in fixing the fault, but I have to say to you that “I AM SORRY”. And I am not saying this in the same manner by some other prominent personality (whom I’m sure you have obviously seen and known). I am sorry for being stupid, selfish and conceited. I am sorry for getting you involved in my world of pain and chaos. I am sorry for being weak when I could have been strong. And most of all, I am sorry for being emotionally attached to you, for being attracted to you. I understand what your message to me, whether you outwardly say it or just keep silent (or blind, as you said it). This attraction thing has just to stop. And I am doing it right away, as soon as I can for the sake of our bond and great friendship because I do not want to lose our bond and friendship. I want retain those because I do not want to put to waste the good things we had (and we are having, as well as the good things we will have in the future). I do not want to absolutely drive you away from me just as I do not want to absolutely stay away from you. Frankly all I wanted is a comrade who can understand me despite my few virtues and many flaws; a companion whom I can share with in my triumphs and defeats; a person I can trust through hard, mundane and easy times. And it is people like you who can be that to me. It is a pity that those kind of people exemplified by you are not always around. I understand that you have your own concerns and struggles in life which you have to prioritize. I also have mine. We all have our own life struggles which each one of us has to engage in. Can we still be friends at least? At most, I still want to be your brother as much as I still want you to be my sister. I know these three words sound cliche and I have said this before, but I will say it again: I LOVE YOU. Just to set things straight, I will say this as well: BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN LOVE WITH YOU. After all, loving someone and being in love with someone are two different things. Being through this dilemma five to seven times before, I am sure that I can overcome this and start anew. Despite my name, I am a warrior and a fighter. When this dilemma finally passes away, I shall wear my battle scars with honor and dignity. This is but one of the stages or phases of human life and it will pass. I can bear being deprived of this part of life. After all, I can handle life and its struggles on my own. I always have something to say about this: “Life is a struggle. If we do not fight we lose. Retreat and surrender are two different things, and one must often retreat in order to continue fighting.” This is just one of my struggles in life and this is but a petty struggle. The world is a great big place and in it are greater, bigger struggles. Ironic that despite my name, I can never have my own peace. I want (and need) to fight those bigger, greater struggles because I cannot stand the thought of having done nothing throughout my existence. To be able to do something great in this life and in this world for the sake of every person, especially the little guys and the ones being picked upon, is not just a mere aspiration. It is a life mission for me, regardless if I get acknowledged or not. I need all the strength, the wisdom and the compassion to be able to accomplish this and people like you provide me with this. Please do not leave me just because I stumble over this one petty struggle. I need comrades like you to keep surviving in order to keep fighting. I need comrades, especially you, in front of me to guide me through this war zone called life. I need you by my side to help me fight the struggles. And I need you behind me so that if I get vanquished at last, my fall can be less painful at least with comrades like you catching me. These are the only consolation I can have in this struggle called life. Please do not deprive me of these. And so, I have said my piece. I have done what I can to rectify what needs to be rectified. All I can do now is hope, pray and work for what is better that I may lose what needs to be lost, regain what needs to be regained and maintain what needs to be maintained. Hopefully, you get to read this and understand what I am going through. Please give me a chance to simplify what has been complicated. Good luck, godspeed, God bless!
Posted on: Mon, 30 Jun 2014 01:58:39 +0000
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