Lessons I have learned on the journey today............I found myself with a bountiful of highs and lows on this day. I had moments of serenity and moments of anxiety and fear. I finally came to realization that I have to give my permission to feel both. I realized that I need to let myself heal from the effects of my son being a heroin addict. This journey he put us both on didnt happen in one day and it will not take me one day to be better. I dont have to give more then I have in me everyday, I can give what I am able. There are days I wont be able to say something inspirational and life changing because there will be days that I need to put me first and take care of me. I have always tried not to hurt anyones feeling and even on the days I had nothing to give I put everybody else first . Trying so hard to conceal the hurt inside myself, putting on my mask and entertaining the crowds. But I realized I dont have to do that. There will be days like today where I just dont have anything to give because I need to give all I have to me to keep myself on my feet. If I dont feel like talking to anyone I dont have to, If I dont want to answer the phone I dont have to, and if I dont feel like wearing my superhero cape I dont have to. I gave myself permission to be selfish today and just think about me. Every time I tried to sleep today I had terrible nightmares about my son and I guess that is when reality hit me of how bad his addiction had took over my every thought even when I am asleep. I realized not everyone will care and understand and that is ok. I realized some people will get sick of hearing it and thats ok. All I can say to those people is so am I but its my reality everyday. I hope and pray none of your children become an addict but let it happen to you and then judge my actions. I realized there will be some who are incentive and say unkind things but I also realized its ok for me to drop the pleasantries and tell them exactly what I think about what they have said. If I knew how to make him better dont you think I would have done it by now! I also realized this journey is far from over for me or him. He is in hiding once again and its back to every time the phone rings my heart dropping to my feet. Wondering if that is the call I am dreading. I realized today that maybe his addiction has made me as sick as he is. He wont fight for his life , I am trying to fight for mine but honestly I cant even remember who I was before this but I am trying to remember. I guess in a way I am in a rehab of my own out here in the sticks shutting out the world some days trying to heal, trying to be strong, trying to remember the me who used to laugh and smile real smiles. Remembering I can tell people no and putting what I need that day first. So as my dog lays in her favorite position at my feet, the turtles sleep quietly, the fire crackles warm and toasty in the stove and there is nothing but the quiet of a country night with the rain falling outside I give myself permission to enjoy this moment. I give myself permission to take as much time as I need and to do whatever I need to do for me to heal. Even Jesus went away to a quiet place to spend time with God . Sometimes there is part of a journey you have to walk alone with only God by your side and that is the part of the journey I find myself on today. It doesnt matter if anyone else understands because I understand and that is all that matters right now...........................
Posted on: Thu, 22 Jan 2015 02:34:39 +0000