Let me start out by saying, I love stand-up comedy. It is not only my life’s work; it’s also my passion, my friend and often my obsession. And to the fans of comedy, thank you so much for supporting an art form that is not only truly the last form of freedom of speech but also how I provide for my family. And to the 99% of the people who lay their money down and fill the comedy clubs across America, who have come to the show to WATCH the show, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. But this open letter is actually the other very small population of people – the ONE PERCENT’ers. These are the over-served, self-absorbed, phone-obsessed, talker, disrupter, general pain in the ass people and hecklers, who ARE RUINING STAND UP COMEDY IN THIS COUNTRY! First of all to the over-served, loud mouth drunk…if you can’t handle your liquor and your mouth at the same time, maybe a comedy club is not for you. So many clubs won’t tell you but I will, don’t come to the show. Second to the self-absorbed, phone-obsessed, talker, disrupter and general pain in the ass people, you might be the worst group of all. At least with the drunk, I understand them. You, Mr. and Miss, I’ve come to a comedy to either talk on my phone or talk to the people around me, you piss me off the most! Here’s some suggestions, 1. If you can’t go and hour and a half without looking at your phone, LEAVE IT IN THE CAR! Facebook will not collapse if you don’t check your status during the show. 2. If you want to have a conversation with the people around you, DON’T COME TO THE SHOW! In order to get STAND UP, one has to HEAR STAND UP. Stand up comedy requires you hear the words. Words are how we set up and land the punch. If you are running your mouth, how can you hear either one? We are not a band. We are not background music. We ARE THE REASON EVERYONE IS IN THE ROOM. And while I appreciate you having your bachelorette party, birthday party or generally catching up with an old friend party…nobody around you gives a shit! They are there to see the comic. They don’t give a rats ass about your THING! And lastly I want to talk to the heckler. I can handle you, most comedians can. But the question is, why do I need to? Stand up is NOT a debate. Please try to wrap your head around this. I know everything in our society now is a debate. I get it. Everybody is entitled to an opinion. Unfortunately, no one ever taught you, you’re just not entitled TO GIVE IT anytime you want. You disagree with a comedian? Tough! And maybe you are just conditioned to think that we are here to debate but we are not. Hell, everything in our society is a debate. Watch a news program and they don’t give you the news stories; they give you a debate. Watch ESPN, they don’t give you just the scores, they give you damned debate. The stand up comic is not on stage for a debate. As my buddy Marvin Todd says, “When you walked into the club they gave me a microphone and they gave you a chair and menu.” That should have been the first clue who they wanted to talking and who they wanted to order jalapeno poppers and shut the F$$K up! You have actually paid to hear his or her opinion. And believe it or not the other people in the club DID NOT pay to HEAR YOURS! And to the comedians who have gained millions of hits by posting how you OWNED A HECKLER! Thank you a$$holes for teaching people that it’s acceptable to disrupt a show because they think, “well that’s just part of the show.” All you have done was help ruin the product you are supposed to be part of. So to you over-served, self-absorbed, phone-obsessed, talker, disrupter, general pain in the ass people and hecklers ONE PERCENT’ers let me make it perfectly clear. I DO NOT WANT YOU OR NEED YOU TO COME TO MY SHOW! Go to a movie and disrupt there. Go to the zoo and play with the lions or walk into oncoming traffic, I don’t care! And to other 99% of you, take care. Thanks again for coming to MY show. I’ll see you, when I see you! CBM
Posted on: Sun, 21 Dec 2014 16:22:20 +0000
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