Let me tell you about racing thoughts. I was recently chastised for calling my racing thoughts a disability. His justification was that everybody experiences that. I was unable to shift his opinion and walked away from the argument. The truth of that matter is that Ive suffered this constantly for most of my life and it has been a horrendous perspective with which to navigate the world. When I was younger I would use chess as a way to work with the issue. Chess enabled my to continuously focus my attention on the game; thinking several moves into the future, keeping my attention grounded during the conversation. I played for almost two decades. I also played Go and other strategy based games, but chess was my favorite. Zachary Pries and I probably have hundreds of hours playing the game together (watch out, hes a baddass at the game). When all my disabilities started accelerating during my mid thirties chess became a horrible part of my life. I had to stop and have probably only played ten games in ten years. The reason is because I had chess games running though my head continuously. When I would become anxious or deal with real stress the chess moves would start flooding my mind. All I could attach consciousness to was chess. It took me over and it took years to stop the process. This also happened later with Counterstrike, but thats a different issue altogether (oh dopamine....). I no longer fixate on chess moves, but I am unable to return to the game for fear of it happening again. As it is, I always have music happening in my racing thoughts. Always. Usually it is music of my own creation utilizing the natural sounds and rhythms from my surroundings, but I constantly have a soundtrack playing, even in my sleep. As a musician it is rather troubling, I am unable to hold onto to the music. I get to keep snatches of melody lines, rudimentary rhythms, a few sweeping generalizations (key, time signature, etc.) but I unable to retain anything very usable. Fortunately for me, my mental music usually only adds to an experience not distract or detract. But it does mean I get bored with other music very quickly. Which is where my terribly annoying habit of not letting a piece of music finish comes from. I have already heard the song (and embellishments of course) and need to hear something new. This part of my disorders (both ADHD and Rapid Cycling) is extremely disabling. It is what keeps me from finishing my book, writing those songs, staying focused on the task at hand, paying adequate attention to my friends and family, and lessens my joy in life. Thankfully, with the Affordable Care Act, I have been able to start treatment and will hopefully be trying medication for this insidiously disrupting part of my mental processes. I was told theres an 80% success rate with medication and therapy. So, yes, this is a disability as defined. And no, not everybody experiences the levels of racing thoughts that I do, because mine never, ever stops.
Posted on: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 18:33:11 +0000
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