Letters to Heaven 14th January 2015 Sweet little pickle Oscar, I have so much I want to tell you all of the time. I wish I could tell you trivial things, Things that are important, things that do not matter.... just stuff..... cradling you in my arms...minutes, hours, days flying past as I stare at how beautiful you are... If only..... If I could have one wish It is obvious what I would choose.... Id build a guaranteed time machine. A machine that guaranteed that whatever moment in time you went back too- everything would continue to be ok. I would go back to Wednesday 18th September 2014.....The day time when I taught all day then headed off to my Cert Ed qualification for my evening class. I would have asked for my waters not to break. I had no idea..... I got home at 10pm and showered then carefully go into bed... I lay there trying to unwind from the long, long day I had, had. I started to drift off. Slowly turning from my side to my back I felt a Pop Fluid just filled my bed and bedroom floor as I tried to get to the bathroom.... It was still gushing and I tried to stop it and remember thinking.... Wow I really have lost control of my bladder... I have just wet myself..... I showered again and got back into bed after changing my covers, duvet and sheets.... I laid down towels everywhere and got in a sleeping bag... Started to fall back asleep and Whoosh again! I could not get up quick enough.... Again I couldnt see how I couldnt stop myself from wetting but just figured that pregnancy does all kinds of things to your body! I showered again and decided to sleep on the sofa.... I laid awake all night and decided that I would stop drinking water/fluids after 6pm from now on to save me from wetting myself.... How embarrassing I thought! I got up on Thursday morning and went to work as normal, Friday the same, Saturday the same and rested on Sunday... I was expecting my brother and his wife (Also pregnant with my gorgeous Nephew) to help me move my bedroom round to make room for a swinging crib. I had always wanting a new pure white swinging crib. With matching white bedding specially for my little baby.... I had brought exactly that.... A lovely crib, lovely white and grey bedding and loved laying in bed looking at it while chatting to you snuggled up in the warm..... Little did I know though that I hadnt wet myself... and was now bleeding. I went to A&E with Aunty Kaylee after googling my symptoms. and I remember the nurse frowning at me when I explained what had happened at home before I bled.... Horrendous you say she said to me with a patronising disbelief on her face..... Yes, horrendous! I replied.... Within minutes of being sent to Triage I had had an examination and the tests begun..... Urine, fluids and bloods, examinations and more invasive but completely necessary examinations continued...They concluded that if I had another bleed that was more serious than what I had experienced then I was to go straight back..... No one noticed my waters had broken...... I still believed I had very poor bladder control and went home. Nervous, worried and anxious... Was my precious baby ok? I had heart the heart beat... So I guess he was... I dropped aunty Kaylee home and was sick outside her house (Lovely!) hen had to pull over twice on the way back to mine to vomit.... It was awful... I had the shakes for ages afterwards and had to sit on the side of the road pretending it wasnt me who had just driven off the road in such a panic to be ill..... Cars slowed down to see why I had my hazard lights on and one gentleman stopped to check I was ok.... While trying to explain to him I remember thinking... Please, no more, not in front of this kind man! I got home and went to sleep only to be woken through the night with my bleeding..... Back to triage I went..... This continued for the next week and while working and still not knowing my waters had ruptured 2 weeks prior I continued anxiously as normal.... I told my team at work, told my students and whilst I kept everything off of FB I gradually began telling people.... Then my 20 week scan arrived.... Excited and desperate to find out if I had an Oscar or a Lottie I waited with Mum, Granddad and Kirsten..... A moment I will never forget..... the day my life changed forever..... Oscar as the tears flow down my face and I gasp for breath between each painful cry I wish, I so wish I could build that time machine.... I would give my life and soul to hold you again.... Im in disbelief to think that in 4 weeks today (give or take!) id be meeting you for the first time... My precious little darling who I will love everyday of the rest of my life, love that would love mountains and part oceans.... If only...... Mummy loves you little one. Forever and ever..... x Love Mummy x
Posted on: Wed, 14 Jan 2015 23:18:51 +0000
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