Life...We will never figure it out, not on this earth anyway. Its so easy for us to help others, to give them advise or a kind word but what about ourselves? Why do we deny the pain we feel and hide behind the problems of others? It seems it would be easier to focus on our own chaos but the truth is that its too painful to face. And when I say WE I mean ME. I have been really struggling through life over the past few months ( maybe my whole life) and I believe its time for me to TRULY face my own demons for once. People around me say they see strength but I see fear, pain and most of all I see a coward. I run and go until I am to the point of collapsing but unless I stop and deal with whats broken in me I will be running forever. I am tired of running, I am tired of hiding and I am tired of denying the pain I feel each and everyday. It makes me a bad friend, a bad sister, a bad daughter and a bad wife. Its apparent that I must be here so I choose to find happiness in this life, its not fair to those around me and its not fair to me. I have been doing so much thinking lately about everything and I have found myself wondering if I am capable of learning to live a happy life without my boys. I have wonderful friends, family and I have a wonderful husband so there shouldnt be a problem right? Sometimes the monsters dont live under the bed or in the closet; they live in our head and sometimes we create our own darkness. I want what was taken from me and that will not happen in this life, on this earth and its time I truly face that fact so that I can TRULY move forward. So I guess maybe I have been living a lie, or maybe its just denial but either way its time to live, its time to let go of what I cant change and stop hiding. Acts 20:24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace. This verse started this realization for me a year ago and its time for me to get up and live in a way brings Glory to God, happiness to those around me and to myself. I know God wants me happy, I know my boys want me happy...they brought Joey into my life but it isnt fair to him for me to remain a shell of the wife I should be, I need to truly give these troubles to God because I am not strong enough to carry the pain any longer.
Posted on: Wed, 23 Jul 2014 17:06:15 +0000