Life after Death- Before April 2, 2013, I thought I knew what life after death meant. I am not new to losing loved ones. My dad died when I was 14, a close cousin when I was 20, and my father in law just a short 4 yrs. Losing each of them was tragic, especially my dad, but I was able to find comfort and strength in what I knew about life after death. It was nothing but the great blessing of hope/faith/knowledge that our loved ones live on after they pass from this mortal state. It was the future part of the perfect Plan of Salvation given to us by our Father. It was clear, it was clean cut, it was full of hope and eternal progression. It was simply the next step. On my good days, it is still all those things. However, Ive learned that life after death has two meanings. Life after death now refers to more than the life of a loved one who has passed, it also refers to those left behind. I am that living being. I have never had a near-death experience, yet, I am living a life after death. The death was my sons. In turn, the death was the life I lived, and the person I was before he died. This life after death looks very different than the picture attached to that phrase in my other life. This life is full of fog and murky darkness. It is mess- sometimes in a beautiful way, but mess is mess. This life is unsure and full of questions, and at times it is down right paralyzing. Its terrifying how grief and trauma can reach into every corner of who you are and pull out the demons you didnt even know existed. No, life after death is nothing like it used to be. Im not painting a bleak picture to gain sympathy. The truth is, I have been trying to write a post for Kayjs Angel Day for months now, and this is what keeps coming back to me. I have been living this life for 15+ months now, and I have not figured out how to pay proper tribute to the little boy who has changed me forever. I am immobilized in trying to do so by the overwhelming sense of how inadequate it will be. So I have decided now is not the time. I have decided that is okay to just acknowledge the beautiful mess this year has been and pray he knows exactly what is in my heart when it comes to my love for him, until I have the clarity and strength to express it adequately. The reality is, this year has been a daily roller coaster, a devastating storm, a shoreline waiting for the tide to come in and go out, leaving whatever the waves bring when they crash in. The reality is, all the cliche terms accurately apply. This year, we have been fighting to adjust to life without Kayj while adjusting to life with a new job, in a different town- a city nonetheless! Recently, we are adjusting, yet again, to my husband working away from home on assignment. We have felt loneliness on a new level, yet we have been blessed to have overwhelming support from family and life-long friends. We have found difficulty meeting new people who dont know our story, and never knew our son. Yet, we have blessed immensely with new friendships and connections that were no earthly coincidence. I developed bonds with other angel moms that are priceless to me as well, but hate understanding how much pain they feel. We have started going to a group therapy with other grieving children, it gives us perspective that we really do have no choice but to move forward, and realize things can be worse. The truth is, we have had NO motivation to do any of it. Motivation is something I pray for daily. We have felt the COMPLETE exhaustion that comes from grieving. Its exhausting in every facet of life. We have felt the immense weight of it. Its like walking through life, doing the simplest of tasks, with your work boots on, trudging through mud, and the weight of the world on your shoulders, making it difficult to want to get out of bed. Yet at times, we have felt reprieve. We have felt ourselves being carried on the wings of angels and the love of God and our neighbors. We have learned that our Father may not lighten the load, but he will strengthen us and reposition I that load if we kneel down in prayer to ask. We have felt the depths of depression and anxiously wondered if there will ever be true joy again. We have seen and tried to deal with the effects it all has on our girls- who have seen and dealt with more than is fair. We have also had experiences to let us know that our Heavenly Father is very aware of them. He is comforting them and teaching them for us, when we dont have the ability to do so. My children are in His care, all 3 of them. We have anxiety to levels I never understood before. We have guilt, we have remorse, we have regret. We have doubts like never before. We have questions. We have been the target of Satans relentless efforts. Yet, we have experienced a closeness to our Heavenly Father that I truly count as a miracle. We have felt His guidance and direction, His comfort and His love on levels I never new possible. I literally crave it, I thirst for it. That spirit, and the knowledge that it can be felt so tangibly, is what sustains me. We have more determination than ever to move forward with Faith. Daily we try to climb past the trivial and reach above the temporal hardships to see the eternal perspective. It is a rough climb, but more worth my effort than any thing else I could strive for. That eternal view is breathtaking, and quite literally like nothing else in this world. That view renews and refreshes my soul. It keeps me going. Yet, also tends to make me long for what I see to be my reality sooner than it seems to be coming. Ups and downs- more like skyscrapers and dungeons, such is the life after death for this family. Of course, we each have different ways of handling it- all of it. We struggle to help each other through while we deal individually. But something we have in common is we all FEEL it, the good with the bad. No one feels it less or more. This realization helps us to have empathy as a family. We are all in it together. That is why For Kayj Day, (his Angel Day, Day of Rememberance, Heavenly birthday, whatever you call it) it was important that whatever we did, we did it together. So together, we visited his grave in Blanding, let off one floating lantern for the one year he had been gone. We took a family name to the temple, which helped us feel like a family working together, just on different sides of the veil. We did things Kayj would have loved. We went to the petting zoo, rode a camel, played in the sand. We also stopped and took family pictures with his picture at each temple on the way back home. (Well be honest, he would NOT have loved all the time in the car. Nothing could make Kayj scream faster than a road trip in his car seat.) All in all, it was a bittersweet day, but I have no doubt we accomplished our goal in the best way we could. We were ALL together.
Posted on: Thu, 24 Jul 2014 21:31:52 +0000
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