Life in a Scouse Taxi. 11.03 pm. Woolton Street, Woolton. A couple in their mid forties come over to the car and give the right password. I unlock the doors. He gets in the front. She gets in the back. Where to then? Knowsley Village...Fountain Road...do you know it? Sorry mate, I dont. Do you know the way your self? You can give me directions if you like, or we can put the post code in the Sat Nav. He turns to his wife and sighs a mock weariness sigh of male pattern stupidity. She looks the other way. How about Sugar Lane, do you know where that is? I can see how this will pan out if I let him carry on. Ive never heard of it in my life. Not even once! Turning to his wife a second time: Its bloody marvelous this isnt it? Oh, Clive! she says, still looking away. He must have previous by the look of things. Syders Grove? Ive never heard of Fountain Road, or Sugar Lane, and Ive never heard of Snyders Grove Its not Snyders Grove, its Syders Grove! See! I told you Id never heard of it! Look mate, if you know the way, you can tell me. If you like we can head for knowsley, then you can give me directions as we get closer. The other option is to put the post code into the Sat Nav, then if it starts to take us in some whacky direction, you can say so. What do you say? Its your shout! Tell you what, Ill give you five minutes to think about it and have a little discussion with your wife, if you like, but Im charging waiting time from now. The look on his face changed to one of confusion and fear. I think it was the idea of consulting his wife. We want Kings Drive, then Out Lane, then Halewood Road, then Belle Vale Road... Ok, Thatll do for now He looks mildly disgusted, as if he has just remembered an older boy farting in his face, when he was a child. We set off. On the way, he tells me when to drift out, into the outside lane because were turning right at the roundabout. When to slow down because there is a sharp bend coming up. Where there might be a van parked. I deliberately ignore him. Its causing him a massive amount of distress not being in control of this car. Mate, youre going to have to stop, you know! This is a taxi ride, not a driving lesson. Theres 40 or 50 people in and out of this car, every shift. Theyve all got home safely I know how you fellas drive. Thats why I got in the front. If you can see two of me, then youve definitely had too much to drink, mate! I didnt say I could see two of you, what do you mean? You just said you fellas and theres only one of me here! I meant taxi drivers Well theres still only one of them here too! This gets a laugh from the back. A bigger laugh than it deserves. He now restricts him self to lefts and rights. They talk about getting the washing machine fixed. He tells her how the next door neighbour doesnt know how to use his new lawn mower properly, and we end up at their destination. Have you always lived in Knowsley, mate? Ive lived here all my life. I havent!, his wife says, joining the conversation for the first time. I grew up in Old Swan. I only moved here after we got married. I can understand people living in Old Swan, but it must have been really dangerous living in Knowsley before they built that fence around the safari park What do you mean? You know, all those Lions and tigers and that, prowling the streets, Giraffes damaging the slates on your roof!, or did the Great White Hunter used to patrol the town? Unable to contain his delight at discovering how stupid I am, he tells me that the animals in the safari park where only brought over to England after the fence was built Oh yes... of course! I say. Its obvious when you think about it, isnt it? Looking at his wife in a can you Adam n Eve it kind of way, he pays me. I drive on.
Posted on: Thu, 11 Sep 2014 12:02:52 +0000
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