Living in Philadelphia, home of the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall and Tony Lukes, I am probably the best authority on Independence Day, arguably the greatest American holiday of them all, commemorating the epic beatdown we gave the evil British tyrants who came over to our country purely to threaten our women and children, usually in some over-the-top menacing way which typically involved burning our churches down with parishioners still in them and stepping on our flags in slow lingering motions, thinking that type of typical British behavior would somehow dampen our spirits to the point of surrender, like we were France or something, but which actually motivated us to utterly destroy their professionally trained, well-armed soldiers with only our fists and plucky determination, in a way that countries like Australia and that little island under it (Madagascar?) were somehow incapable of, despite those populations being entirely composed of boomerang-wielding criminals. And just to show how great we are as the only first world country, not that it will ever be in doubt by anyone, that even after those genre-defining villains tried to invade us again a few years later, and again were sent running back to England, presumably while wearing ladies undergarments underneath their uniforms as all British businessmen still do to this day, or so I have been informed by their own television programmes, we then proceeded to single-handedly save their bacon from Germany, an even more diabolically-accented country totally obsessed with finding lost holy relics like the Ark of Covenant, during 2 different World Wars often with the type of pure bravado and machismo that only a tall, chiseled-jawed American can muster against such impossible odds, usually thanks to his ability to surround himself with seemingly incompatible at first, but ultimately useful when all combined, diverse personalities like the other handsome guy with a bad attitude, the big strong guy, the funny tech guy and the hot woman. It’s little wonder why we’re the admiration of the rest of the world, especially Britain. We’re like the country they could have had, had we not gotten here first. And how do they repay us? I guess they did create Alton Towers, but I hear it’s rubbish. That is all for now. Signed, A Concerned Patriot.
Posted on: Wed, 09 Jul 2014 20:56:10 +0000
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