Looking over some of the pictures from the shoot today. I remember a time from age 8 to 18 where I felt ugly. I was pretty sure I was hideous and oddly enough, overweight. I look at pictures from back then and I was definitely never overweight yet Ive never worn a bikini or any other bathing suit in public without a cover up. Always felt insecure and awkward and unpretty and lost myself in books to avoid boys and mirrors. I would have rather imagined myself someone else than myself and books helped me create people to become. I was Anne Shirley for most of the 8th grade. It didnt help that I was brown and kink when light and loose was what everyone considered beautiful. Im rambling. Im tired. My point is that despite this belly scarred and broken with tributaries and life lines mapping somewhere I hate to venture let alone see... Despite the same belly split and stitched together. Despite the face that aged, the wrinkles that pattern my forehead and the laugh lines that appear and take more time now to disappear. Despite the hair thinning with illness and poor life choices. Despite the poor life choices and questionable grammar. Despite the life of ups and downs so low I thought I would never survive them. Despite the truth and reality of regrets weighing on my chest seconds before sleep finds me. Despite the brain that still breaks and allows bad decisions and a lake wetting my chest at least every 3 weeks. Despite. Despite. Despite. Because. Because. Because my life has been filled with so much fortune and love and family made from the most random items. Because I woke up today. Because sleep is difficult to find but awake doesnt haunt me like it once did. Because love always finds me. Because of this heart that beats and sends a praise song of life through my veins. Because brown girls hurt and many are taking their lives in their own hands. And taking their lives with their own hands. Because Im here. Because you are. Because love. I finally accept my mothers face and strength as my own. Im beautiful. Im strong. Im here. Im happy about that. At least tonight.
Posted on: Sun, 07 Sep 2014 23:15:12 +0000
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